Back from my appointment...

Good News and Bad News...
Good: The PNVs are kicking butt - my temps look awesome and my iron levels are stable.
I should have been taking these bad boys years ago!

We did a full annual exam and my cervix is looking good (which was a concern last year).
I will get the lab results back in about a week to see if the cervical abnormalities from last year have been completely resolved.

And, now for the bad news:
Or, the unknown news that has the potential to become bad news.
She found a 3cm lump in my left breast.
She is fairly certain it is just a cyst or a fibroadenoma.
She sent me next door to the hospital's Women's Imaging department, and now I am just waiting on a call back for an ultrasound appointment.
Its pretty nerve wracking to just be sitting around waiting for this phone call - I want to just bust into one of their exam rooms and demand someone look at my boob.
I want to know what the heck it is and how to get it out of there.
But - I'm sure its nothing.
Its nothing.

So now I am in 3 waiting periods-
The evil 2ww - I'm at 3dpo.
The 5-10 day wait for lab results from the OB.
And the who knows how long wait for the call-back on my ultrasound.

WOO-freaking-HOO

***UPDATE: My ultrasound appointment is at 830 am tomorrow morning***

This kid always gives me more fever!

This is my friend C and her son J (from now on to be called J1).
As you can tell by her big, beautiful belly.. baby #2 will be making his arrival any.time.now.
Yes, I have been saying that for 2 weeks.. but now its true. He'll probably arrive within the week. Eek. I can't wait to meet him!!
When it comes to the Cutest Baby Boy I Ever Did See title, new baby J2 will have some stiff competition from his big brother J1!
I spent a good part of today with these 2 loves of my life, and we came away with lots of wonderful photos! (the 2 I posted were my faves.. but not all of them involve RR tracks.. really)
J1 has no idea that he's about to become a big brother, and that he's about to have to share his glowing spotlight.. so it will be nice to have these awesome pictures to remember his last few days as an only-child.
And his mama wanted some belly shots, too... because none of us can believe how BIG her belly got this time!! Again I say, Eek!

Every time I have the joy of being around J1 I somehow manage to come away with an even bigger, stronger, more-present-in-my-every-thought case of baby fever.
Who knew that was even possible?? Not I.
I just love him, love him to bits!

Spending so much time with them was a great way to kick off my wonderful week that shall remain void of all whining!

Tomorrow is my follow-up appt with my OB, wish me lots of luck and good news.
Also, I must say that today I am grateful [and believe in guardian angels].
My baby brother (who is actually not a baby at all, at 17 years old, but will always be my baby brother) was in a car accident while heading back home to Houston. He was at fault (DAMMIT!) and both vehicles involved were totaled. Thank GOD everyone was okay.. the worst injury involved some crazy cuts on the other driver's arms. Whew. Could have been mucho worse, but it wasn't.. and we are grateful!

Since this is my TTC blog - here's an actual TTC related update: I do believe I O'ed on Friday. Not certain, as I don't have the 3 days of temp shift quite yet - but a positive OPK and 2 days of slightly higher temps just about have me convinced. WOOHOO. A little early this time, but thats ok - maybe that will just give our little future-baby cluster of cells more time to stick. :)
Today is CD14, perhaps 2DPO.
Yay!!!

TGI-Thursday!!

Today is my Friday. 

This calls for a celebration. 

For one, because everybody loves their Friday. And two, this has been a crappy-crap week.

No more whining though, we've all had enough of that. 

Here is what I'm looking forward to this weekend:

-Grey's Anatomy tonight! AWE-SOME!

-Sleeping in tomorrow.

-Meeting a new friend at Archiver's.. wait for it.. on PAYDAY. Sweet!

-Meeting a kinda-new friend at Starbuck's to pick up some fun new stuff I ordered from her.

-My hair appt with the amazing Mel. Hooray!

-Silly as this may sound, the Presidential Debate. 

-Catching up with a dear friend and her sweet little son on Saturday to take pics of her big ol' baby belly and her little man. :)

-Not having to wake up early or go to work on Monday. 

See, no more whining. I have a lot to be happy about. 

Next week should be much better - what with happy hour and all. How could it not? 

In all seriousness, I have a follow-up appt with my OB on Monday morning. And again, I'm a little anxious about it. Obviously we had hoped for a BFP last cycle, which would have made this our first real OB appt. So aside from the sting of it NOT being the exciting appt we'd hoped for, we know its likely the dr will discuss some testing now... so just wish us luck. I'll let you know how it goes.

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!!

CD11, waiting to O - will it be in the next 24-36 hrs (as the OPK predicts) or in 4 more days (as TCOYF predicts). Hmmm... 

Whine-O Wednesday...

Formerly known as Wine-O Wednesday (and may still live up to the name!)... 

Wednesdays are usually wonderful days, thanks to free Barnes & Noble StoryTime with the twins - we have always had a great time going. Today, not so much. 

Here are the things that made me either angry or want to cry, or both.

1. Observing the following interaction between 2 moms while we waited for ST to begin:

Lady1: Oh my gosh, Lady2. I didn't know you would be here, how are you?

Lady2: Wow, Lady1, HI! Oh my gosh, HI.. Oh my gosh. You're pregnant?!? Again? Wow, Oh my gosh.

Lady1: **Chuckles** Yes, seems like all I have to do is look at my husband and I get pregnant. **Chuckles** Can you believe it, 3 kids under 5.. we're so blessed. **Chuckles**

Lady2: Oh my gosh.. you are so lucky. Oh my gosh.. how wonderful. Oh My Gosh, Oh my... 

Meanwhile.... me and the twins decide we do not like these ladies and need to sit as far away from them as possible. We moved. 

2. Realizing that Sweet Old Grandpa Man that usually leads ST is not here, again. And now we are stuck with Quiet Shy New Girl who doesn't have an instrument (like Grandpa Man) or a puppet (like Grandpa Man) or sing songs (like Grandpa Man). Boo. 

3. Mr. Grumpy Pants and Mr. Grumpier Pants who are standing in the foyer area blocking both sets of double doors having a getting-more-heated-by-the-moment debate about the current state of economic turmoil. 

Hey! Mr. Grumpy - I'm pushing a freaking double stroller here! And while I can certainly manage to get out the door without your assistance (though it would be nice if you held the door!), I most certainly CANNOT get out the door without your assistance if you don't move your ass out of my way!!

Me Politely: Excuuuuse us. **smile**

:::Mr. Grumpy glances up at us, clearly noticing the stroller and stepped back about 3 1/2" STILL blocking both doors and does NOT hold the door.:::

Me Not So Politely: Um, excuse me. We need to get out the door, so if you insist on having this conversation here the LEAST you can do is HOLD THE DOOR so I can get by.

[My heart was racing as I said this because I'm usually too much a chicken to speak my mind...]

:::Mr Grumpy then looks at me - seeming quite shocked - for about 4.8 seconds. I just stared back at him..:::

..until he finally said "Oh, let me get the door for you."

THANKS ASS.

And Numero 4: People that smoke RIGHT outside the entrance to the store (or any store, really).  That to me is just rude and thoughtless... at least step a few feet away so everyone entering/exiting this busy bookstore isn't subjected to your stinky and unhealthy 2nd hand smoke. Fortunately (for convenience) and unfortunately (thanks Smokey McSmokerson) we had a front row parking spot... so while getting the girls out of the stroller and into the car I was trying to give the girls an impromptu lesson in holding their breath. 

Now we all stink like smoke. Lovely.

So thats been my day so far... Wonderful Wednesday.

Sorry I've been so negative this week... hope it will pick up soon. It should, tomorrow is my Friday and I have a 4 day weekend!! Thank GOODNESS. Couldn't come at a better time.

Hope everyone is having a good day!! 

Wrong Coping Mechanism...

Remember a couple weeks (or has it been months? time gone by is such a blur these days!) when I was whining about being in a funk and needing to find new ways to cope with stress/anxiety? Well, it didn't take long for me to start feeling a little bit better about things - but I couldn't pinpoint what had changed in my thinking/attitude that helped me out of that ugly place. 

It hit me yesterday after a phone call with a friend.

She texted while DH and I were watching a movie, so I made a mental note to get back to her when the movie was over. Then, she called about an hour later (worried because I didn't respond and she knows I ALWAYS have my phone).. I let it go to voicemail because quiet time with my husband is not easy to come by. 

Her voicemail was so sad... 

"Hey B, it's A.. haven't heard from you in a while and I was just starting to worry about you guys. I hope everything's ok.. if you need anything at all you know you can call us. I hope we didn't do something to upset you. Please call me back when you get this. We've been thinking about you."

I felt terrible. 

They had not done or said a thing to us that would make us withdraw - in fact, she is one of the few people I am comfortable talking about anything (even TTC) with. I called her back to let her know all was well and we weren't upset with them, and we have dinner plans later this week.

After our convo I got to thinking about it, and it has been over a month since I talked to her. How the hell did that happen?? We used to talk AT LEAST once a week, at least. And get together just as often. I had no idea how I let that much time go by, until DH pointed out that we haven't really talked to L&C much lately either.. and we hardly see J&C as often as we used to as well. 

Then it hit me... 

I have subconsciously distanced myself from all our friends who have children.

And that makes me sad. 

These 3 particular couples are the people we've always been the closest to, and actually - the only 3 ("IRL") who know we are TTC.

After the first unsuccessful cycle I was ok with saying "Nope didn't happen this time, but we didn't really expect that.. maybe next time." 

After the second cycle it was shortened to "Nope again, 3rd time's the charm, right. Haha" followed by some well-meaning comments that stung far more than I could have anticipated.

After the 3rd failed attempt I sunk into a hole, or wanted to at least. And at that point, I just couldn't stand to hear comments meant to console (but never did) from our friends who were blessed enough to either a) get pregnant on accident, twice b) get pregnant within 2-3 months of trying, or c) get pregnant on the first shot (and then go on to brag about their super-swimmers). 

I had no conscious intention to distance myself from them, but thats exactly what happened. And it took that voicemail from A to make me realize that.

I regret letting this happen, and am making an effort to get things back to normal. 

But that puts me back at square one... learning to cope.

The one who called me, A, and her husband S are such wonderful friends. My husband has known them for years and years, and in fact our relationship was born at their house! And our first date was their wedding. :) We love having that little connection to them, and have loved watching their family grow - from their beautiful wedding (where I passed out from heat exhaustion, talk about a great first date), to the -complicated- birth of their first precious son, then watching Baby G-Money (as he's often called) become a loving big brother. A&S have always been there for us if we ever needed anything at all.. we've made it through some rough times due in large part to the support they've offered us. 

L is my oldest and dearest friend (the one whose family we spent Labor Day with) and I seriously don't know what I would do without her in my life. And her kids.. oh, they are just the best. I LOVE LOVE LOVE them... Big Girl G is the sweetest little thing to ever grace the earth, and New Baby P is just a handsome little snuggle-bug. I so enjoyed my weekend with them, but cried to my husband on more than one occasion about how hard it was to see them in all their family-happiness. 

Then there's J&C, who have the happiest little 1year old boy I have ever seen. Its been such a joy for me to be such an active presence in his life, and watching him grow has been amazing. Now they are expecting blessed surprise numero dos any.day.now... and I fear that I just won't be able to be so involved in this one's first days/weeks/months. It already hurts to the bone to hear about her last few OB appts, and setting up the new baby's stuff, and how JL is gonna be such a great big brother.. and on and on. With JL, I LOVED hearing every detail about everything that happened.. I loved being at the hospital the afternoon he was born, I loved getting her frantic new-mommy phone calls the first couple days, and visiting him all-the-time. I loved it. I ate it up. But I am in a whole different place now... a place where I can't look at another baby (geez, how do I get through my work day?!) without my initial joy being closely followed by a glaring reminder of what Andy and I are trying so desperately to achieve. 

I don't want to tell her to not include me, as I know I would regret that later, but how the hell do I not let my sadness seep through to the surface. Can I really plaster on a happy face every time she calls/visits?

These people, these wonderful, amazing, can't-get-any-better-than-this friends of ours are the very people I have pushed out of my life as of late. 

There's nothing okay about that. 

I need to learn how to deal with this.. preferably before I build a bridge between me and my loved ones that becomes too long and bumpy to cross back over. 

Any suggestions?

PS - Something tells me this downer day does NOT line up with the Law of Attraction business I took up last week. Great.

CD 8, Cycle 5

We think we can, we think we can.

New this cycle: The Law of Attraction.

Here are the basic steps I've learned:

1. Get very clear on what you want. 

Done! We've known for a while now EXACTLY what we want... there's no doubt about it.

2. Visualize and raise your vibration about it.

We are constantly daydreaming about what it will be like at different times in our journey - what it will be like to get that BFP, what it will be like to share the news with our loved ones, we've perused the aisles of the baby stores pointing out products and vetoing others, we've selected paint colors for the nursery, we've even had to buy a few onesies we just couldn't pass up. I don't think our goal could be any more visualized than that!! Now, I just need to work on focusing my energy on positivity and not worry. 

3. Allow it.

Um... pretty sure I'm not preventing it. We've done everything we can - what more needs to happen for us to "allow it"?

When I was reading up on the LOA, I came across this: 

"You can leave all the details to the Universe. Let the Universe figure out the method of delivery, when you will receive it, etc. Now all you have to do is Allow It. Sounds easy, right? This can be the most difficult part to do. Be doubt-free. All you need to do is expect it. Act like you already have it. Be grateful."

As we jump into Cycle 5, we have made the conscious decision to not only be positive, but to be confident in our bodies' abilities to make it happen. We have the desire, we have the visualization, but sadly I've also had a bit of worry, doubt, and fear. I will not let my doubts stand in the way - we woke up this morning very hopeful and very confident. DH told me as we were getting ready for work "This is it." Um.. what is what? "This is the month. This is our turn." I just beamed. I love that he wants this as badly as I do, and I love that he has been such a source of strength for me.. that is exactly what I needed to hear and at exactly the right time. Those 3 little words from my husband have restored my hope and my excitement. 

This is it. 

CD2 of Cycle 5.  Our cycle. 

Another one bites the dust....

I did in fact test early. Friday morning, 11 dpo.
Negative.
Devastating.
Spent the morning in tears.. in the shower, in the car driving to get coffee on my way to work, in the parking lot of Starbucks, at work while feeding breakfast to the girls, all morning. Called my husband probably every 6 minutes, thank goodness he's so darn awesome... he answered every time. My day did pick up as it went on, the beloved Taffy delivered a new scrapbooking toy to me at work, it was payday, the girls and I had an afternoon playdate with my Ike-evacuee cousin and her kids... it wasn't a bad day for lack of fun activities, but it was a terrible day for lack of a successful TTC cycle.
Of course all I could think was "What the hell did we do wrong??" Which I know the answer to - nothing. We did everything right. The sooner I can make my heart understand what my mind already knows, the better. It can take a while. Period. It's not a piece a cake, despite all the knocked up teens around, and despite our friends who somehow don't know how they end up pregnant - it's not always easy. It isn't.
And that fucking sucks.
It sucks - thats all I can say about it. If I dig too deep into explaining why and all the ways it sucks, I'll find myself a big fat ball of tears and irrational thoughts once more. And I just don't have the energy to go to that ugly place again.

I tested again today... you know, just in case.
Bet you can guess what it said.
Yep, Negative.

So, we move onto Cycle 5. AF will be rearing her ugly head any time now... I can feel it. And then, we start counting again. And temping. And charting. And OPKing. And BDing. And hoping. And praying. All over again.

Ready
Set
Go.

I lied..

Remember just over a week ago when I said "no early testing this time"? I lied. I'm sorry! We are at 5dpo - and I caught myself mentally noting that I can reasonably test in 5 more days. I shocked myself in that moment because until today I had been doing really well about not obsessing. The last 3 cycles have had torturous 2ww's and I thought I had convinced myself to stay level-headed this time. But.. I failed.

Actually, in comparison to the cycles before - I have done amazingly well by making it 5 days without losing my mind! I deserve a pat on the back! I just hope that the "breaking the seal" theory doesn't apply to pregnancy thoughts... once you let one slip into your mind, they become uncontrollable..? I can't let that happen.

I think I know why today was harder on me... I am spending the weekend at work taking care of the girls while the parents take big sis to San Antonio for a couple days. And even though I spend all but one of their waking hours with them M-F, something about round-the-clock care over the weekend is getting to me. Being with them everyday always makes me look forward to what it will be like as a mommy - because as much as I love these girls, I can't imagine how head over heals I'll be for our little one! Maybe all this extra mommy-duty has made me long for a baby even more (though I didn't think that was possible!!), thus making me forget my vow and count the days til I can test.

After today/this weekend, I'm not even going to kid myself anymore... I will be testing early. There's no doubt about it. Hopefully I'll make it to Sun the 14th (13dpo) but more than likely, I'll test Fri the 12th (11dpo). Please think happy thoughts for us.

Good luck to everyone trying this month!!

CD21, 5dpo

Great weekend... with confusing charts.

Hello all (2 of you)!

Hope you enjoyed the long weekend.. we certainly did! The hubby and I went to the Houston area to visit with my oldest and dearest friend, Lauren and her family. We stayed at their home the first night, then headed out to her in-law's GORGEOUS lakehouse on Lake Conroe for the rest of the weekend. It was incredible. We worried a bit about Gustav raining on our parade, but we had wonderful weather the whole time. We were able to take the boat out a couple times, cruise around on the jet ski's a bit and just relax. 

I worried quite a bit last week about what effect traveling may or may not have on my cycle, but I was not going to miss this trip for anything so we went and just rolled with the punches. We weren't the only ones staying at the house over the weekend, so I went into this thinking there would be very little, if any, 'sexy time'. Basically,  I didn't hold too much hope for this cycle. Well, luckily Lauren is one of the very few who know we are TTC and she would not stand for us "skipping" this cycle - she made sure we would have one of the bedrooms and not end up on a sleeper sofa. (Thanks, Lauren!!). With the late nights and lazy mornings, I decided not to temp while we were there, so there is a 3 day gap on my chart. However, I was still monitoring CF and did bring along my OPK's. Last cycle, I never did get a CLEAR positive OPK - but this month I got 2.. but not consecutively. I am so confused. We had a strong positive on Saturday, which was expected. Then a negative on Sunday.. followed by a stronger positive on Monday. What the...? TCOYF software predicted O to be on Saturday - so thats what we thought the case would be and we were glad to see the OPK back that up.  So what does it mean to have a +OPK again, 2 days later? Perhaps my body was gearing up for O on Saturday, then travel and late nights and whatnot delayed it til Monday? Thats all I can come up with.

We were back to temping again today, and it was about .8 higher than my normal range (which is a good thing!), I just wish I would have been temping all along to really know when the shift happened... if today was the 1st elevated temp or if it was sometime over the weekend. Argh.

Anywho... we are pretty certain we had great timing this cycle - and are reassured by TWO strong +'s this time. So here we are again.. in the 2ww (we think!) and very very hopeful. 

Good luck to all of you trying this month.