Home SWEET Home!!!

***I wrote this post on Sunday evening, Nov 30.. thought I published it then. Oops.***

I have never been happier to return from a vacation.
This weekend was so long, so hard, and so emotional.
I have typed out several weekend recaps, with all intentions of keeping my summary short and sweet.. but once I start typing, I get way ahead of myself and quickly begin feeling like I've said too much. I don't want to come off sounding like I am complaining about my family, because I truly love my in-laws. I love my niece and nephews, I most often enjoy the time spent with the whole family - but this weekend was just far more than I could handle.
Its hard enough as it is mesh with the in-laws and their family dynamic (which is in stark contrast to the dynamic/atmosphere of my own family), but I normally do a very good job at trying to fit in. This weekend, however, things just didn't seem to work out as well as I had hoped.
On one hand, I dreaded going on this trip after learning of our failed cycle. I really just wanted to curl up into weeping ball and stay in bed until work on Monday morning. 4 days of moping and crying sounded like a weekend well spent to me with the way I felt on Wednesday.
But on the other hand, I was (insanely) optimistic that if I forced myself to follow through with our plans, I would end up having a great time at the beach and would come home feeling refreshed.
Instead, I followed through with our plans and went to the beach, but still wanted to do nothing but curl up into a weeping ball and stay in bed for 4 days.
I can't count how many times I had to sneak out of the room because I couldn't hold back my tears any longer.
I can't count how many times I had to look away just because the sight of my SIL's beautiful pregnant belly made my stomach tie in knots.
I can't count how many times I lost patience with my niece/nephews over the littlest things, at no fault of their own, only because I had no tolerance for life at the time.
I can't count how many times my husband put his arm around me and promised me we'd have our day to celebrate.
And I can't count how many times I apologized to him for making him spend his vacation trying to keep me put together. Or how many times I thanked him for being so supportive and understanding.

Here we were, the whole O family together at the beach.
Everyone was healthy (well almost, FIL was hacking up a lung the whole time, but other than his cold - everyone is in great health).
The weather was beautiful.
We walked along the beach. Built sand castles. Looked for sea shells. Searched for crabs at night.
My husband and I walked to the look-out where he proposed to me exactly 2 years ago.
One night we sat in that look-out and didn't say a word, just enjoyed the night air and the stars in the sky.
One night we sat by the water and talked about everything, our hopes and dreams and favorite memories.
I was able to finish a great book.
You'd think with all these things, I could come home and report that we had a magical weekend.

But my head has been pounding since Friday.
My heart has been aching since Wednesday.
All I can think about it is how hard it was to be down there in a sense mourning another cycle, when all we had hoped to do was celebrate a BFP with the whole family.

Ramblings of an Emotional Nutcase

First things first.... Happy Thanksgiving. Despite the tone this post is sure to take in a few moments, let me say this:

I am truly thankful to be who I am, married to the man I love, living in a beautiful little house we can afford (amen, right?), working with a family that means as much to me (sometimes more) than my own family, living my life along side some of the best friends a girl could ask for.

I am truly truly thankful that I have been guided to this point in my life, and though there are always ways I think my life could improve... what I have now is wonderful. 

BUT, and you knew the BUT was coming, didn't ya??

BUT, I am beginning to believe the universe gets a little bit of pleasure from my pain. 

I don't think the universe hates me.. I've got it pretty good, and I know that, but the universe definitely enjoys mocking me from time to time. 

And I am not saying that because of our BFN this morning (which I will elaborate on later, I'm sure). I feel this way because shit like what I'm about to tell you ALWAYS happens to me. 

So, the twins and I really enjoy our Wednesday morning story time at Barnes & Noble. Its a great reason for us to get out of the house in the mornings, we love the singing and dancing and story-telling, and it always leads to a wonderful nap (read: break for BeckO). 

After story time was over, I stopped in the ladies room on my way out, which just so happens to be located right by the pregnancy/child birth section of the store. So, on my way out of the ladies room, I decided to stop and take a gander. Ya know, just in case there is yet another book on how to get KTFU I may have missed the last time I checked. Nope.. nothing I hadn't seen before. Interesting story so far, huh?

Here's where it gets good... 

Just as I am about to walk away and head for the exit, a scraggly looking girl walks up to the PG section and begins sort of mumbling to herself while looking through a few books. When I say 'scraggly', I basically mean that she looks as if she just came from, or is headed to, a meet-up with her crack dealer. No lie. Raggedy clothes, disheveled hair, fun-ky teeth, can't stand still - the girl was a mess. 

As I walk by she stops me... by grabbing my arm... did you catch that? Grabbing my arm.

Scraggle: What book do you think I should get? I'm 7 wks and my doctor said I should buy a book. I don't know what the hell to do with this baby and these books are so expensive. Damn! Why are they so expensive?

Me: [loooong pause] Well, you may want to try half-priced books if you can't afford these... and I've heard this one [point to WTE] and this one [point to Girlfriend's Guide] are good resources. 

What I am really thinking: Are you FUCKING kidding me??? Don't know what to with this baby? Quittin' the crack might be a good place to start.... and what the hell are you going to do about diapers and food and clothing and other necessities if you can't bring yourself to pay $15 for a book? Seriously? And PLEASE, for the love of all things holy - NEVER touch me again. EVER. Do not touch me. 

Scraggle: Are you serious? You just pointed out the 2 most expensive ones! I said this one was too much.... why are there so many choices anyway? Aren't they all the same?

Me: [loooonger pause] I'm sorry, you really should try half-priced books. Good luck to you.

What I am really thinking: Look bitch, you grabbed my arm and asked my opinion, remember? I gave you my opinion.. don't bitch about it. And why are there so many choices? Oh, I can see just how motherhood is going to suit you! You have to make decisions for/about your children EVERY day... good luck with that! Your poor poor child... 

As I walked away, I really could not believe what had just happened. I mean, really? On the day I see "Not Pregnant" staring back at me at 5am. Was this really appropriate, universe? 

No, it was not. 

I couldn't stop thinking about that encounter the whole way home, and how ironic it is that I spend more each month TRYING TO GET PREGNANT than she was willing to spend on a book to educate herself on her pregnancy, and she clearly needed to be educated.  

WHY? Why does this seemingly crack-addicted, irresponsible, socially inept woman get to experience the joy of motherhood without so much as giving it a thought (which its obvious, she gave it NO thought), while my husband and I spent the better part of our early relationship working towards the ultimate goal of expanding our family, then educated ourselves on the nitty-gritty details of fertility to maximize our chances, and have endured (and I use that term loosely) the terrible roller-coaster of emotions that TTC brings with it for seven long months (six cycles)? WHY? 

Seriously, universe, this one wasn't funny. This time you took the irony game you like to play a little too far. I do not appreciate that encounter, and cannot find any possible way I can benefit from it. Please, universe, no more of that shit. K?

Needless to say, this has been a sucky day.

Truth be told, even though I knew we have only a 20% chance of getting pregnant each cycle and only a 30% chance that (if we do get pregnant) we'd be able to find out this soon - it still hit me like a ton of bricks to pick that test back up and see 2 words instead of 1. I really didn't want that extra word to show up. Not this time. Not after being so excited to be "back in the game". Not after fantasizing about how wonderful it would be to share our good news with the IL's while on TGiving vacation. Not after how much and how hard we prayed to be successful this time. Not after I convinced myself that feeling ovulation pain for the first time just had to be a good sign. Not after I had the conversation with my older sister a few weeks ago where she got so excited about the potential for us to be pregnant together. Not as we approach the holidays and I'll have to buy baby gifts for the million precious kids in our life, all the while wishing I could buy just one thing for our baby.  Not when I have to host my SILs baby shower in less than 2 weeks, and smile through the whole damn thing as if my heart wasn't ripped to a million pieces. 

I just really wanted it to be true this time. 

And I could not, can not, handle the fact that it isn't. 

I cannot keep myself put together, no matter how hard I've tried. 

I know, 10dpo is early. There are many many stories about girls who got BFN's on 10, 11, 12 dpo only to get a BFP a couple days later. I know. 

But really, we have told ourselves every cycle that its just too early. 

Look where that got us.

This is exactly why FF has a long article about the importance of waiting til their recommended test date. It makes perfect sense too - "The emotional toll of repeated negative results is hard to imagine for those who have not experienced it." 

Uh-Huh.

"At the same time, waiting throughout the luteal phase to know the outcome of your cycle can be agony" 

Couldn't have said it better myself. 

"We certainly cannot stress enough the need to wait for a reasonable test date before spending your emotional (and financial) capital on early tests and lab procedures. This is certainly easier said than done. As with most sensitive emotional decisions, it is really up to you to decide what you can withstand. It is really a matter of weighing your desire to know early versus the disappointment, anxiety, and ambiguity that can be associated with seeing negative, or potentially "false" negative results. Keeping in mind that even cycles with perfectly timed intercourse often do not result in pregnancy, it is certainly something where understanding of the situation plays a great role. The FF charting system proposes you a test date in full agreement with the results described above. We recommend as much as possible to actually wait until the test date."

Hmpf.

I can tell you this - I am starting to understand how early testing can be an evil evil thing. 

I mean really, what would it hurt to wait just 4 days later to test? The 2ww practically kills me with anticipation and anxiety every cycle... but my spirit is becoming far too damaged to withstand many more negative tests. Not that AF arriving is much different, but that only happens once a cycle. Lately I have been testing on 10dpo, 11 dpo, 12 dpo... you get the picture. Obviously I've yet to see a positive reading. And that has been h-a-r-d. 

"The emotional toll of repeated negative tests" has peaked. 

Its terrible. 

Early testing is terrible. 

Today is terrible. 

I feel terrible. 

This is going to be an extremely difficult holiday weekend. 

I am supposed to overflowing with gratitude and joy this time of year.. and while I know I have so many things to be thankful for, those things have been temporarily buried beneath the heavy load that was placed on my shoulders this morning at 5:03am.

Confirmed.

By Fertility Friend.. but I was a day off.

Which is okay by me, looks like I ovulated Saturday and we had great timing.

That's all that matters.

Today is CD 16 - 3 DPO.

Hooray!

One week... should I do it? Should I count down to 10DPO? 

Or should I vow off early-testing - again?

Should I bring tests with us to Port A, or wait til we get home?

Oh, decisions, decisions.

I'm just happy to see such a beautiful chart this cycle!!

Hello, Monday

Today's not going too bad, for it being Monday and all.

-I didn't have to kick my husband to get him out of bed this morning, which means it was very easy for me to fall back asleep after he woke up (hooray!). 

-There was NO LINE at Starbucks this morning, which was wonderful since I was running a few minutes behind (because I was able to fall back asleep?). :)

-I got a call from my tied-for-second-favorite place on earth (first being home with hubby, other tied-for-second being Starbucks).. a nice lady from Archiver's called to let me know that I won their weekly drawing!! WOOHOO. Free gift from Archiver's.. what could be better? 

-Also.. I was able to get an appointment with another surgeon to discuss my fibroadenoma situation. Luckily, the new dr had an available appointment the same day I would've met with the old dr so I didn't have to change my day off. I took that as a sign I was meant to switch doctors after all. 

As for the baby-making adventure... I am fairly certain I ovulated yesterday. Now I am just waiting for FF to confirm that notion. I had what I think were ovulation pains both Saturday and Sunday.. and then today, there's nothing. No pains, no CF. And a high temp. We'll see what happens over the next few days.

I know I said I had stocked up on OPKs (which I did) but for some reason I only tested twice this month. I have no idea how, but I kept on forgetting!! 

Forgetting!! 

Did you hear that? I forgot to OPK. 

I had been testing 2x a day for at least a week each cycle.. and I was always looking at the time of day in reference to when I test next. But this time, this cycle, I forgot. Everyday. 

How wonderful its been to not be 254% consumed by obsessive-compulsive TTC behaviors. 

So.. I kind of wish I had OPK results to back up my feeling that I Oed yesterday, but on the other hand - we've been able to just have fun during the fertile window and go about our lives without stressing and worrying every hour of every day. Its been nice. I don't know how or why that happened this go round, but I'm certainly not complaining!

Another great thing about this month, the 2ww should be coming to and end over the Thanksgiving weekend. This year we will be in Port Aransas with the IL's so I am hoping that I will be so distracted while we are at the coast with the whole family, that I won't be obsessive-compulsive about early testing either! How wonderful would that be?!

Here's to November ending with a wonderful announcement (if not for me, than hopefully one of you!!). 

Hope all is well with everyone!

Its getting to be about that time...

We are on Cycle Day 10. 

Of our previous 5 trying cycles, my soonest ovulation day was on CD12 (that was the wonky, super short cycle during a very stressful time that made me stress even more because I started to worry about my LP length!) and my latest ovulation day was CD17. 

Today is 10.

I went this morning to stock up on OPKs.. so I am ready to start that fun again tomorrow. 

I decided this time I would go with the digital smiley's. Ovulating makes me smile all on its own.. so I thought maybe it would be fun to have something else smiling with me. :)

I am very eager to enter that window of opportunity.

I am very hopeful about what this cycle may mean for us.

I am very ready to see 2 lines in about 2 1/2 weeks.

But I am trying to keep my feet planted firmly on the ground.

That's hard to do for me right now, but I have to at least try.

I cannot start thinking I deserve this (though deep down I do think that). I am not any more deserving than the next, than someone else in my exact same shoes, or than someone worse off than me. I am not any more deserving now than I was 1, 2, 5 months ago.. despite what we faced last month. "Deserving" has nothing to do with this.. and I have to remind myself of that.

All we can do be patient, be hopeful, and press on.

And temp, and chart, and BD, and pray, and wait, and pray, and test, and pray.

And then we'll just go from there.

That's all we can do.

But, I'm still excited. And eager. And hopeful. And ready. 

All I wanted was a little Me-Time.

That's all.

I am almost ashamed to even admit this, but I think it may be too funny to pass up.
Keep in mind, as you read this, that I am usually a sensible gal. Also, that I have had a very stressful few months, and that my master bath has been out of commission since February.

I love to take baths.
Long, steaming hot, sometimes with bubbles.. I love baths.
We bought our house in January, ripped up our bathroom in February.
That allowed for 3, maybe 4 baths.
I need baths to stay sane sometimes... even more than I need coffee.

My wonderful, loving husband finished the tile work in our bathroom a couple weeks ago.
Tonight is Monday Night Football (read: hubby not home).
I thought tonight would be the perfect night for getting reacquainted with my old friend, the jacuzzi tub. I've missed him so. (Yes, he's a him).
Sooo.. I stopped for some very unhealthy fast food for dinner on my way home. I watched my DVR'ed Desperate Housewives and Brothers & Sisters, and I went to take my bath. I even skipped my ice cream nightcap for a bath tonight. (That's a huge sacrifice.)
Since the tub hadn't been used in so long, I filled it up with cold water (so as not to waste the hot) and ran the jets for a few minutes... to clean everything out.
Then, very excitedly, I drained the cold and filled the tub with beautiful, wonderful, steaming hot water.
But ya know, that wasn't enough for this epic reunion. I wanted to add some bath salts.
Where, oh where, did the bath salts go?? I couldn't have used them up since February.. that's impossible.. I haven't taken a bath since then. Oh well, these bubbles will do.
Poured me a cap full of bubble bath in the tub, dimmed the lights, and turned the jets on to 15 minutes.
I climbed in and slid down far enough that I was submerged in this wonderfully hot water from the neck down. Leaned my head back on my bath pillow and closed my eyes.
Aaaaahhhhh. This is wonderful. I so love Monday Night Football.
About 13 seconds later, I feel bubbles nearing my mouth.
Opened my eyes.
Sweet Jesus - what in the bloody hell was I thinking????!!!
BUBBLES EVERYWHERE!!!!

And when I say "everywhere", sadly, I am not exaggerating. There is a least a 1 foot wall of bubbles in front of me. Overflowing onto the floor, into the shower pan (since the glass enclosure has not been installed), up the wall.. bubbles. are. everywhere.

I panicked for just a moment, then laughed, then wanted to kick myself in the bum.

I had to have known this would happen.

I did know! In fact, we discussed this just before our first bath in the new house. Bubbles and jets don't mix.. I KNEW THAT!

So, I started draining the tub. 

I had to continue shoveling bubbles into the shower pan, into the sinks, off the floor.. it was a mess.

It took me well over 30 minutes to get the bubbles under control and the tub rinsed free of all bubble residue.

Or so I thought.

I pleaded with God to let there be enough hot (hell, I'd settle for just warm) water left to fill the tub one more time. I got a good 2/3 of the tub full before I ran out of hot water, and I decided that would do. Turned the jets on again... and more bubbles.

It wasn't nearly as catastrophic as my first bubble encounter, but there were definitely bubbles far beyond my comfort level.

I settled in as best I could and tried to enjoy my luke-warm bath. Laughing at myself all the while.

I am such an idiot.

But I am so glad my husband did not return home to find me stark naked wrestling with a mountain (a mountain) of bubbles.

I debated not even telling him about the ordeal, because I know I will never live this down, but his first question upon coming home was, "How was your bath?".

My answer, "Fucking Fantastic!" As he looked at me with a puzzled look on his face, I just busted out laughing. He followed me into the bathroom and found that there were still bubbles standing about 8 inches tall in the shower pan. 

He didn't even have to ask what happened. All he did was laugh. Hysterically, I might add.

As I explained just how bad the bubbles were, I think he was struggling to catch his breath he was laughing so hard.

His only response, "I'm sorry to have missed that."

Yeah, I'm sure you are. 

I'm such an idiot.

I would say to let this be a lesson to you, but I really feel as though I am the only person in the history of the universe dumb enough to make such a mistake. 

What was I thinking?

So much for my wonderful, relaxing bath night.

CD1

And I can honestly say, this is the first time I have ever been eager and excited to see AF... even before we were officially TTC, it wasn't something I necessarily looked forward to.

So here we are.. back at it.
Counting days, waking up to temp, monitoring and making note of every twinge and twitch and notion, getting excited and anxious and hopeful and.. well, you know, you've been there.
I'm very happy and grateful to be here again!!

Let me talk for a moment about my booby, please. ;)
I participated in the Komen Austin Race for the Cure on Sunday. This was my 3rd year walking in support of Kimberly Ellis, our team captain. She is a good friend's mother who was diagnosed in 2006 and then again this summer. She had a lumpectomy the first time, followed by chemo and radiation. Coming up on her second anniversary in remission, she was rediagnosed with the same type of breast cancer, but at a more advanced level. This time she underwent a double mastectomy and is currently in chemo again. She is such an inspiration to all of us who know her, just by her sheer determination to beat this evil disease. She has always stayed so faithful and hopeful and positive, and even been the one to dry our tears from time to time. She is such a strong woman, and I am honored to be able to walk with her for this cause each year.

There aren't a whole lot of people who know about what Andy and I faced the last couple months, but Kimberly is definitely someone who I was eager to discuss it with. I wanted her opinion on what was going on, and what we were being told, and I trusted she would be able to point me in the right direction and ease some of my fears.
That she did. And she also directed me to one particular woman's story to gain a little perspective. The woman she told me about is trying to put a younger face on cancer and make people aware of the fact that cancer does not discriminate based on age! This woman was concerned with a lump she found herself when she was in her young 20's. Her doctor brushed it off saying it was likely a cyst. She soon got pregnant, and revisited the issue with her doctor. This time she was told it was just a part of normal changes breasts go through during pregnancy. Same kind of thing when she was nursing and done nursing - don't worry, you're so young, it's just this or just that. Eventually she insisted on a mammogram, to which the doctor commented that he would be laughed at for ordering at her age, but sadly her fears were true. She had a very advanced stage of breast cancer, with a young toddler at home.
I know that I am BLESSED to be dealing with only a benign tumor, but one thing Kimberly wanted me to remember from this story is to go with my heart. If I am not fully confident in what I am being told by my doctor (in this case, my surgeon) I have every right, and I owe it to myself, to seek a second opinion. I have never really been at peace with the way our surgeon consult went, and after talking to Kimberly and reading this other woman's story, I know I need to dig a little deeper. I will be calling tomorrow to get referred to another surgeon, and one that specializes in breast conditions. I deserve to speak to a doctor who can put my mind at ease and explain the reasoning behind his/her opinion, not one who speaks from his pedestal or makes us feel like our questions aren't valid.
We will be keeping our Dec16 ultrasound appointment, unless I can get in to speak with another surgeon before then that wants to start us down a different path.
Please wish us luck that the next surgeon has a little more compassion and that we can be put at ease over all we have on our plate. We are feeling better about things already, just knowing that we aren't letting ourselves be pushed into a decision. We'd like to request a lumpectomy, so now we just hope the next surgeon can explain his/her opinion on the matter much more effectively, regardless of what that opinion may be. If this surgeon can give us a good explanation for leaving this thing in my body, then we'll feel better about that. But if we are met with opposition once more, based on a shoulder shrug and "chances are" statement, we'll be looking into a third opinion.

And yes, we will still be TTC this month. :)

Jumping back on the wagon....

I am so excited!!
After almost 6 super crazy weeks, Andy and I are once again confident enough in our situation to hop back on the TTC train! It was an agonizing decision when we first decided we were ready to try back in May, but once we realized that now was the time - we got soo excited about starting our journey. We endured 5 cycles with no success, and in that time learned a lot about hope and patience, disappointment and perseverance. When our plans were sidelined by my terrible annual exam, we were crushed. We knew that it would be best to follow doctor's orders and postpone our plans for a while, but that was the last thing in the world we wanted to do.
We had mentally prepared ourselves for it to be at least a couple cycles before everything was resolved - but much to our surprise and amazement, after 5 1/2 short (read: looooong) weeks, we are in a much better position than we ever imagined to be this soon.

It was kind of strange to be back in a position discussing whether or not now is the right time to TTC. Who would have ever guessed that after our first exciting decision in May, that we'd be back at square one before we even had our first BFP. But, here we are.... once again "starting" our journey.
I've thought about convincing myself to wipe my slate clean.. tell myself this is the beginning, cycle 1. Maybe that would put me in a mindset where I am more relaxed about the whole process, just "having fun" or "seeing what happens". But, unfortunately, once one's naivety is shattered, there's no going back. As much as I'd like to treat this like Cycle 1, it still feels like Cycle 6.
I still remember how much it surprised me (and pained me) to see that first BFN, after we knew we did everything right. I still remember how much more the second cycle's BFN hurt than the first. I still remember convincing myself that third time would be the charm. I remember that Cycle 3 was the first one where I was tortured with phantom PG symptoms - where every twitch, every headache, every ping or pain or thought all led to "This is it - I just know it happened this time!". Cycle 4 was hard for me to be as hopeful as before, yet as each day of my 2ww passed, I got more and more excited - only to once more be let down. Cycle 5 was easier than 4, I had really worked on not becoming bitter and fearful and just living in the moment - then at 3dpo, everything collapsed around me.
I became so conflicted about how I felt that cycle should turn out. It was so hard to go from trying to get pregnant one week to worrying about what getting pregnant would mean for my health the next. A few days into the booby-drama, I told myself it would be okay this one time if we got a BFN. I told myself not to be upset if we failed this time.. because we had other things we needed to worry about. But still, seeing that BFN absolutely broke my heart.
With that negative test, it became time to postpone our dreams. I really struggled with putting my hopes and plans and fate in someone else's hands, and I really worried about how those 2 health issues would play out. October was a terribly emotional and trying time for us.. but we made it through.
I am happy to bid October good-bye and I really look forward to what November holds for us. Cycle 6 should start in the next few days.. and I am SO HAPPY to say that we are TTC once again. I will miss not having to wake up and temp everyday, and it has been kinda nice to not worry about OPK's - but I will gladly pick those rituals back up again. And no, I cannot go into this half-heartedly and just "see what happens". If we are TTC, then for my own sanity, I need to do whatever it takes to feel in control of such an unpredictable journey. That means that for me to stay sane I need to temp and chart and use OPK's and all that jazz.. I just need to.

So thank you to everyone who has been so supportive of me and my husband as we tried to weather this crazy storm! We were truly touched, and so thankful, to have so much love and encouragement from our friends and family.
I hope we have good news to share very soon!!