G'Nite

Ha! I wish!
Here is that insomnia crap I was talking about earlier in the week.
My body feels so physically exhausted.. my eyes are so puffy - I just want to sleep.
But I can't.
I've tried laying in bed, TV off - nothing.
I've tried reading a book in bed (which almost always works) - nothing.
I've tried sleeping in the guest room - no better than the master.
I've even tried laying on the recliner and the couch - Nope. Nothing.
I had every intention of being in bed early (and by early I mean like 7pm!) and getting a full night of much-needed rest.
Bwahahaha... my wandering mind had other plans.
And yes, I know 1030 is not late by most standards, but for me it most certainly is.
There was only ever 1 night a week I was up til 10, and that is Sundays to watch Brothers & Sisters. Every other night of the week, I like to be in bed around 9.
I wake up for work at zero-dark-hour and spend an exhausting (but exciting) 11.5 hour day with twin toddlers, not counting my time spent commuting to and fro. 1030 is laaaate. Especially when I am already beyond sleep deprived.
Hmpf.

In other news,
I had a less-than-awesome conversation with my mother this evening.
Left me feeling sad and misunderstood...
And I have also come to the conclusion that every time I post a positive blog, I jinx myself.

Mere moments after bragging about my awesome week, I was face to face with one instance that left me fearful and worried and another that left me a little saddened and jealous.
But that's okay - today's afternoon turn of events does not take away from the almost 5 wonderful days I had Saturday thru this morning.
I am thankful to have had a break from all the stresses of our new reality, if even for just a few days.

Now I sit here at the computer feeling physically exhausted, but unable to fall asleep.
The vanilla-coated Tylenol PM's in my nightstand are calling my name.. my husband hates when I take them, so I rarely do - but I think tonight he'd understand.

Let's try this again.
Nighty Night.

Wonderful Wednesday

It totally sucks to see super-duper fertile quality CF and have to ignore it.

Sucky. Sucky.

What a great week this has been though! 

Sunday night involved me, a recliner, our new tv and a little Desperate Housewives, Brothers & Sisters, and some yummy vino. Great way to gear up for the week!

Monday was a rough day at work, but it was all good because I got to meet some of my lovely ladies at Chuy's for some good food, FJ in honor of KC (we've got a ton of K names in this group!), and wonderful, entertaining conversation - as usual. ;)

Then last night Andy and I attended a Grand Opening of sorts for our wedding photog's new studio downtown. He sorta-kinda joined forces with an awesome local wedding planner to share the space, so they invited everyone near and far to celebrate with them last night and show off the new digs. I got to meet some of the ridiculously talented photographers Austin is blessed with - which was so funny and so surreal at the same time. I have blog-stalked these ladies for well over a year now, so meeting them face to face just felt like meeting with some old friends. We had such a great time.. and I was so honored to have been included in the festivities! You ladies (and guy) rock! 

I am so thankful to be having such a wonderful week after being in such a low place lately - and I really hope the joy continues. Tomorrow I meet with my OB again, and we have the colpo during this appointment, too. Please please think good thoughts for us - we really hope the poor results last week were just a fluke. I hope they find nothing of concern! We have enough to deal with already. 

Happy Hump Day, everyone!

I'll update tomorrow with any news.  

I. am. so. tired.

Holy Moly - I can hardly keep my eyes open. 

I am so exhausted!

I should expect so much having been up til 11, then unable to fall asleep once I actually got in bed. But that has been my trend lately - not getting in bed til super late.. then letting my mind wander and finally falling asleep sometime around midnight.  Keep in mind our alarm goes off at 5am, I have to be at work at 7 and don't get to head home til 630. 

This all started just over a week ago - and its driving both me and Andy crazy. 

I'm not really a peach in the morning when I have barely had any sleep, and apparently the process of me falling asleep these days involves so much tossing and turning that its starting to disrupt Andy's sleep as well. Poor guy.

I am not a fan of this sudden insomnia.

I don't know if it is due to, or even related to, all the stress we've been under lately.. but whatever the cause, we need to fix this soon.

For the sake of the girls, who I'm sure don't want a zombie nanny; for my poor husband and of course, for my own health and sanity.

And go figure - the day I am dragging so bad is the day Big Sister M stays home from school "sick". I say so in quotes because she has no fever, is totally hyper, and running around like a crazy person. All 3 girls, all day long. Wooohoo. 

Naptime for the twins today will also be naptime for me.. hope I can wake up feeling a little more alive. 

Here you go, K

I loaded up some pics during commercials,
so here ya go...

This is standing at our front door, looking into the living room.
Notice that lovely curtain! I hung that myself! :)

Our old TV used to be in the left corner in front of the big window and the couch that is now on the left wall used to be facing the fireplace. So when you would walk in the door, you'd see the back of the couch and I hated that! So now the room is much more open! Yay.
We are still trying to figure out what to do with the mantle. We used to have photos and candles lined up, but now I feel like we should leave it plain so as not to take away from the TV and all its glory! My husband agrees, but I just can't stand to part with those candlesticks.
**Please disregard the cables hanging all over the place - all the wiring will be in the walls once we get the satellite people out here with our HD box.. you won't see any cords.**
If anyone has any suggestions on what to do with/where to put our DVD player and cable box - please share. We have no idea what to do with them and don't want them to take up permanent residence on the mantle!
Above is the left wall... we are in the market for new end tables, one for either side of the couch. And looking at this wall in photos makes me sad - our decor looks so tiny on that giant wall,
but I never noticed that in person.
I should have never taken a picture of it.. now I want to switch it up! ;)
Don't tell my husband.
That coffee table was made by my hubby - its stained wood (espresso) and travertine tile.
I should have taken a close-up of it.. he did a great job!
And.. the photo above is the other wall. (Hi, hubby!)
The archway leads to the 2 extra bedrooms and the extra bath.
That door next to the fireplace goes to the backyard.
I bought that brown curtain today too, but its too long so I will be trimming and hemming it one evening this week. We are buying another magnetic curtain rod to go along the bottom (it's a steel door). So the curtain will be secured along both top and bottom.
And geez - our mirror and sconces look tiny in this photo, too! What's up with that?

And now, our bedroom.
We have had the photo of our holding hands for quite a while, its my favorite!
But we just added the other photo (taken by mollie) and the "O" last weekend.
The frame above our bathroom door says "Always kiss me goodnight".
We added all the decorations on and around the dresser last weekend as well.
Obviously we still need to fill those frames - as excited as I was to get the wedding photos back, its crazy that I've never done anything with them!!
Time to order some prints, I suppose.
I'm not totally sold on the plant in the corner -
but until we figure out something better to go there, it can stay.

There ya go K - I tried to take a pic of the bathroom decor but was vetoed by the hubby.
No photos until the tile work is done.
The shower is in shambles at the moment.
Bathroom photos coming soon! :)

PS - It has taken me forever to finish this post -
I've been typing and uploading pics on commercials, so
I keep running back and forth from the office to the living room so I don't miss my shows.
Oh, the sacrifices I make for my friends!

Go me!

Just one quick note -
I am not a handy gal, not a DIYer when it comes to tasks around the house, and definitely not very good with tools (or good at all).

However, my husband was not on board with curtains for our living room, and I am sick of looking at the mini-blinds. So I went up to Target, bought me some curtains and a cute little curtain rod - and went home and hung them by myself. By myself. Without my husband.
Yay me!
And they didn't fall down when I actually put the curtains on!
AND - they are level. YAY!
I am so proud of myself.
A tad ridiculous, yes, I am aware of that. But hello? I used 3 different tools and had to find the 2 correct drill bits. And I didn't even call him for help.

He'll be so surprised, and probably won't believe I did it myself.
Oh well, he doesn't need to believe me.. I'm proud enough for the both of us.

Good Night.

YIPPEE!!!!

I got a call from my older sister last night to let me know that

SHE'S PREGNANT!!!

That is such fantastic news! Her and her husband have been trying to conceive for nearly 2 1/2 years.. they are definitely long overdue for their BFP and I seriously could not be any happier for them!!! They are going to be such remarkable parents, their little bean doesn't even know how blessed it is.
They are currently building the home of their dreams, and I am so glad they will get to set up a nursery right away. It is exactly what my sister has always wanted - their dream home complete with a little one to love. 2009 is going to be an AMAZING year for them, and for our family.
Based on her LMP, they are guessing she's about 5 weeks along right now, so we are all praying that this little bean decides to snuggle in and get cozy. My sister keeps repeating "I just hope this is real" - so we are also praying for her peace and trust in her body to do its job. Stick little one, stick!

In other big news, my husband and I have officially lost. our. minds.
We decided a couple weeks ago that for Christmas and our birthdays (my bday is about a week after Christmas, and his is 9 days later) we would give each other a new flat screen TV. Well, for some reason I let him talk me into "just looking" at Circuit City this morning. We said we would just go get a feel for our options, thats it. Yeah, right. From there we went to Best Buy, where we fell in love with one particular TV (and its price) and went home to measure the space above our fireplace mantle. We got our measurements then went to Conn's for one last comparison, and headed back to Best Buy to bring our baby home.
Yep, we've lost it.
We "gave" each other a Sharp 46" LCD TV. Yay!!!
Merry Christmas.
We are now waiting for my BIL to come over and help us hang it. He has a construction company and is a Certified Electrician, so we opted out of the store installation and he will do it for us. The best part: we got to rearrange the furniture in our living room and it looks sooo much better now, and much larger!! We had a big screen, old style "tube" TV, so it was in a corner of our living room, and the only way we could arrange our furniture to accomodate it left the room feeling very closed off from the rest of the house, and very confined. Everything is now open and breezy and feels much more welcoming! Once we get the TV up, I will take photos of the new arrangement, as well as our newly decorated master bedroom.

Looks like postponing TTC has left us bitten by the home redecorating bug instead of the baby bug. This could be detrimental to our pocket book, but so far we're okay. We agreed that this has to be the last impulse purchase we make for a long time.. we even shook on it. So we will need to find something else, equally as exciting, to occupy our minds and idle hands while we wait for the TTC green light. Any suggestions??

Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!!!
Hooray for Happy Days!!!

I officially declare today Random Friday

1. At the park with the twins on Tuesday morning, G decided to make a break for it and take off running. I ordered A to stay put (which of course, she did not!) and ran after G... along the way, the edge of my foot landed funny on a rock or something, which twisted my ankle and sent me flying. I caught myself on my hands and knees and really wasn't scraped up at all - and I did catch G - but the twisting motion did something funky to my left leg. My ankle was sore that day but fine the next, but ever since my calf has been killing me. The pain feels a little bit like how I would describe shin splints, but concentrated on the left side of my leg. I do not like it, and I want it to go away.

2. In all honesty, after making the decision to not TTC for at least 2 months, I really worried about what kind of stress or strain that would put on our relationship. For the last nearly 6 months, TTC has been the focus of our lives. Counting cycle days, temping/charting, planning our outings or trips around my fertile window, eating or avoiding certain foods/beverages, planning and fantasizing about the future and the nursery and the carseats and strollers and toys... we have definitely had babies, and only babies, on the brain. I really feared for us for a few days; for our communication, the way we process our stress, whether or not either of us (or both) would be angry or bitter, what this might do to our sex life over the "wait" period... I was afraid. But I am happy to say that we have had a wonderful week. Of course we had our couple days of sulking and complaining about the injustices of the universe.. but by Monday we were both in better spirits. We talked through every little detail of what our game plan needs to be between now and mid-December and I have finally arrived at a point where I can talk about our reality without breaking down in tears. We have enjoyed our evenings together, watching football, visiting my family, and playing drinking games during the debate.. I had nothing to worry about. I've always known how lucky I am to be married to such an amazing man, and I shouldn't have doubted for a second that we would be able to face this challenge together, and with a good attitude. 

3. After the text convo I posted about earlier in the week, I started reflecting on (and by reflecting I mean overanalyzing and worrying about) where certain friendships stand these days. Its amazing to me the way all relationships evolve over time.. and in this case, the evolution of this friendship has left me feeling at a loss. I have been incredibly close to her for the last 7 years. She has been my best friend by all definitions of the term. I can't look back and even imagine how I would have made it to this point in my life without her - yet for the last few months, she has started feeling more and more like a stranger to me. As our individual lives have changed, the ways in which we can relate to one another have as well. We used to have the same responsibilities (or lack thereof), the same ideals, and morals, and priorities. But we are just so different these days - and in such different places. I want to say that these things shouldn't (or wouldn't) effect such a strong friendship, but sadly that just hasn't been the case. I no longer feel like she understands where I am or what I am going through, and while that didn't used to matter before, I no longer feel comfortable sharing intimate details of my life with her. And the times I have poured my heart out to her, I have been shocked or disappointed by her response. I've drafted several emails to her about this sort of thing, but each time I have discarded what I wrote out of fear of the repercussions. I am trying not to let myself feel like I have lost a friend.. just that this friendship has changed. I want to be able to keep in close touch with her and her family, but I need to get used to the idea that she just won't be as integral a player in my life as she once was. And this is not to say that I think any less of her as a person, or a friend - she has never been outwardly or intentionally mean or insensitive, she just doesn't seem to have the experiences or capacity to relate to my life anymore and therefore isn't the type of support or encouragement I think I need right now. Its sad, and maybe over time things will evolve back into the relationship we once had.. but for now, it hurts to wake up and realize things changed so quickly and so drastically. 

4. In times like this, where my resolve is so tested, I try to always identify what the highlight of each day has been. Some days are harder than others when I think back and try to find a glowing moment - but I already have 2 today and I haven't even eaten lunch yet. 

First, a friend from the board found out this morning that her first round of clomid was a success - she is finally expecting baby number one!!! I am so so excited for her and her husband! 

And secondly, this morning the girls and I were dancing around to some kiddie music (they loooove to dance) and I was trying to get them a little more excited so I was dancing around like a looney. I look over to see A is laughing, AT me, and then she turns to her sister, points at me and starts talking their secret twin-language. They both started pointing at me and giggling - then copying my dance with big grins! Any other time, to be pointed & laughed at would humiliate me to no end, crush my spirits, ruin my day - but to see these two sweet girls "talking" to each other and getting so excited about dancing around without inhibition - it made my day. I love those girls. 

5. I read this in Oprah magazine this morning, in the article titled "What I Know For Sure".. Simon Baker (from The Mentalist on CBS) said "Expectations are somewhat dangerous. You can't control everything. At times, you have to sit back and go with it." 

Amen. 

And yes, in my head I heard it said with his delicious Australian accent. That makes the quote even better, I do believe. 

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. 

Take some time to celebrate "The Sweetest Day" tomorrow.. we will be going for some yummy dinner and cheesecake at The Cheesecake Factory in honor of such a gloriously titled 'holiday'. Okay, so the point of the day is not to celebrate sugar or give into my chocolate indulgences.. but thats okay. The day is really supposed to be "an occasion which offers all of us an opportunity to remember not only the sick, aged and orphaned, but also friends, relatives and associates whose helpfulness and kindness we have enjoyed". 

So thank you friends, for your helpfulness through my tough times and your kindness always. You have all touched my life in ways I could have never fathomed, and it amazes me that I have forged such connections with women I've met on the internet. Who knew?

Again, music is my therapy...

LeAnn Rimes

What I Cannot Change

I know what makes me comfortable

And I know what makes me tick

And when I need to get my way

I know how to pour it on thick

Cream and sugar in my coffee

Right away when I awake

I face the day and pray to God

I won't make the same mistakes

All the rest is out of my hands

I will learn to let go what I cannot change

I will learn to forgive what I cannot change

I will learn to love what I cannot change

But I will change, yeah, I will change

Whatever I, Whenever I can

Yeah I don't know my father

Or my mother well enough

It seems like every time we talk

We can't get passed the little stuff

The pain is self inflicted

I know its not good for my health

But its easier to please the world

Than it is to please myself

All the rest is out of my hands

I will learn to let go what I cannot change

I will learn to forgive what I cannot change

I will learn to love what I cannot change

But I will change, yeah, I will change

Whatever I, Whenever I can

Well I know I can't care about how much everyone else really feels

I have enough hurt of my own to heal

I will learn to let go what I cannot change

I will learn to forgive what I cannot change

I will learn to love what I cannot change

But I will change, yeah, I will change

Whatever I, Whenever I can

Okay, so I am very close to my mother, so that part doesn't at all apply. 

Actually, I realize I am taking all the lyrics way out of context - but when I heard this song during our lunch today it brought me to tears. 

There isn't much I can change about our situation right now.. and I need to just let it go. 

We know what we need to do, how to get to our destination.. the rest I need to just forgive. 

I cannot change my circumstances, I can only change my perspective on this.. and just as I had started to do last week (the morning before I got the second dreaded phone call) its time I start trying to scale the mountain. 

I can't live in this rut for the next 2+ months. 

Good grief, this blog is getting repetitive. I don't know why anyone would even read it anymore (if in fact, anyone does). 

What a whirlwind of emotion the last 2 weeks have been. 

We should be breaking the cycle now though.. only moving forward. No more surprising setbacks - just forward momentum. Onward towards perfect health, and expanding our family. 

PS - I fell off the wagon. I haven't had a decaf coffee in 5 days.. only full strength. I am starting over tomorrow, though. Promise. 

Forgive me...

My post earlier today was all sorts of obscene, and I apologize.
I try to filter myself, especially on the blog or on the boards, because these words can live forever - but today was a very emotional day for me and I didn't give myself time to stew in it before venting.

I know I could just delete or edit the post, but I began using this as a TTC blog in order to chronicle my experience, both the good and the bad. I feel like I would be doing myself a disservice by taking it down. I want to remember what it was like when I was at my lowest of points so I can always FULLY appreciate the blessings I know we have in store.
This has not been an easy path so far, and a lot of my emotions have boiled over here on the blog instead of in my daily, personal life. This is where I can be completely honest with myself about the peaks and valleys, and completely honest with the blogging world.
I will try to refrain from so many profanities in the future, though.

Hope I didn't offend anyone.

Tomorrow is a new day.
Another chance to wake up and decide to smile.
And perhaps a chance to turn my phone off for a while...

Hope everyone has a wonderful Wednesday.

Ugh

This is a transcript of a convo I had with a friend this morning via text.

She has been a very dear friend of mine for many years, and knows we've been TTC and is also aware of our current medical situation - though she seemed aloof when I called to cry to her about last week, so how much she knows is sort of unknown. She is someone I have leaned on for years, and vise versa... so this conversation was a complete shock to me.

(Until this text, we hadn't spoken since last Friday - the call where she seemed unusually detached even though I called her crying)

Her: I have a friend in need of the morning after pill. Are they free at Planned Parenthood? Does Walgreen's sell them?

Um, are you freaking kidding me? Of all the people you could ask, including GOOGLE, you just HAD to ask ME?!?! Knowing we tried for 5 unsuccessful months to get pregnant and are now basically on a forced hiatus??? SERIOUSLY???

Me: I think you need a prescription at Walgreen's but IDK. She should probably call her obgyn or just go to PP.

[while I was typing my reply....]

Her: How are you doing? Surgery Scheduled?

Don't you think it would have been nice to ask how I'm doing BEFORE you slap me in the face with a question like that. AND, I told you on Friday what the surgeon said.... didn't I?

Me: No surgery scheduled. Close monitoring for 8 weeks. Ultrasound December 16.

Her: Can you still try to get pregnant, or no?

Me: No, because of the tumor and the cervical situation. I have a colpo next Thursday and we'll know more then. We've had to postpone baby plans til at least the New Year.

Her: Well, thats okay. You guys needed a break from the stress each month. You should make sure you're healthy first.

Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME??? Needed a BREAK from the STRESS??? You think trying so hard for something you so desperately want for FIVE MONTHS and not getting it right, then being told to STOP TRYING is a BREAK???? You've got to be kidding me?? A break. HAHAHAHA... if only I'd realized sooner, this is just a break from stress. No stress here - not at all worried about my boob or my cervix, no biggie. Just a break. Thats all this is. Sure is a nice one too, so relaxing. Just a breath of fucking fresh air... thats what this is.

Me: Actually, postponing our plans has been nothing but heartbreaking for both us, certainly not a break from any stress. Especially since 2 medical issues have been added to the mix.

Her: I understand. I hope everything goes well for you.

Oh, you do??

I forgot you must understand what its like.... wait, but how could you?

You got knocked up at 18 (note: I love her daughter and she's an amazing mother) and then again this time without even trying. You must understand what its like to plan for and WAIT to start trying to get pregnant... to be so excited that your pre-baby goals had finally been met and you get to get the process going.. to anxiously twiddle your thumbs through your first 2 week wait only to have your heart trampled on to only see one line, 9 times.

You must understand the sense of mourning you feel after that first failure and what you have to tell yourself to regain the hope and excitement you need in order to try again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

You must know what its like to have to sit and hear your doctor say basically 'you should consider putting off getting pregnant while we take care of your fucked up boob and your fucked up cervix'. You must understand having to call your husband and tell him about all this shit... and having to sit there as he tries to think of the right thing to say even though his heart is breaking too.

You must understand.

But you don't, and you can't, you never will. You have already had your husband get snipped because your family is COMPLETE while we aren't even allowed to start ours.

You do not understand.. don't say that you do.

Of course, thats only what played out in my head.

I never responded to her "I understand" text, and I don't think that I can.

Happy Day.