Wrong Coping Mechanism...

Remember a couple weeks (or has it been months? time gone by is such a blur these days!) when I was whining about being in a funk and needing to find new ways to cope with stress/anxiety? Well, it didn't take long for me to start feeling a little bit better about things - but I couldn't pinpoint what had changed in my thinking/attitude that helped me out of that ugly place. 

It hit me yesterday after a phone call with a friend.

She texted while DH and I were watching a movie, so I made a mental note to get back to her when the movie was over. Then, she called about an hour later (worried because I didn't respond and she knows I ALWAYS have my phone).. I let it go to voicemail because quiet time with my husband is not easy to come by. 

Her voicemail was so sad... 

"Hey B, it's A.. haven't heard from you in a while and I was just starting to worry about you guys. I hope everything's ok.. if you need anything at all you know you can call us. I hope we didn't do something to upset you. Please call me back when you get this. We've been thinking about you."

I felt terrible. 

They had not done or said a thing to us that would make us withdraw - in fact, she is one of the few people I am comfortable talking about anything (even TTC) with. I called her back to let her know all was well and we weren't upset with them, and we have dinner plans later this week.

After our convo I got to thinking about it, and it has been over a month since I talked to her. How the hell did that happen?? We used to talk AT LEAST once a week, at least. And get together just as often. I had no idea how I let that much time go by, until DH pointed out that we haven't really talked to L&C much lately either.. and we hardly see J&C as often as we used to as well. 

Then it hit me... 

I have subconsciously distanced myself from all our friends who have children.

And that makes me sad. 

These 3 particular couples are the people we've always been the closest to, and actually - the only 3 ("IRL") who know we are TTC.

After the first unsuccessful cycle I was ok with saying "Nope didn't happen this time, but we didn't really expect that.. maybe next time." 

After the second cycle it was shortened to "Nope again, 3rd time's the charm, right. Haha" followed by some well-meaning comments that stung far more than I could have anticipated.

After the 3rd failed attempt I sunk into a hole, or wanted to at least. And at that point, I just couldn't stand to hear comments meant to console (but never did) from our friends who were blessed enough to either a) get pregnant on accident, twice b) get pregnant within 2-3 months of trying, or c) get pregnant on the first shot (and then go on to brag about their super-swimmers). 

I had no conscious intention to distance myself from them, but thats exactly what happened. And it took that voicemail from A to make me realize that.

I regret letting this happen, and am making an effort to get things back to normal. 

But that puts me back at square one... learning to cope.

The one who called me, A, and her husband S are such wonderful friends. My husband has known them for years and years, and in fact our relationship was born at their house! And our first date was their wedding. :) We love having that little connection to them, and have loved watching their family grow - from their beautiful wedding (where I passed out from heat exhaustion, talk about a great first date), to the -complicated- birth of their first precious son, then watching Baby G-Money (as he's often called) become a loving big brother. A&S have always been there for us if we ever needed anything at all.. we've made it through some rough times due in large part to the support they've offered us. 

L is my oldest and dearest friend (the one whose family we spent Labor Day with) and I seriously don't know what I would do without her in my life. And her kids.. oh, they are just the best. I LOVE LOVE LOVE them... Big Girl G is the sweetest little thing to ever grace the earth, and New Baby P is just a handsome little snuggle-bug. I so enjoyed my weekend with them, but cried to my husband on more than one occasion about how hard it was to see them in all their family-happiness. 

Then there's J&C, who have the happiest little 1year old boy I have ever seen. Its been such a joy for me to be such an active presence in his life, and watching him grow has been amazing. Now they are expecting blessed surprise numero dos any.day.now... and I fear that I just won't be able to be so involved in this one's first days/weeks/months. It already hurts to the bone to hear about her last few OB appts, and setting up the new baby's stuff, and how JL is gonna be such a great big brother.. and on and on. With JL, I LOVED hearing every detail about everything that happened.. I loved being at the hospital the afternoon he was born, I loved getting her frantic new-mommy phone calls the first couple days, and visiting him all-the-time. I loved it. I ate it up. But I am in a whole different place now... a place where I can't look at another baby (geez, how do I get through my work day?!) without my initial joy being closely followed by a glaring reminder of what Andy and I are trying so desperately to achieve. 

I don't want to tell her to not include me, as I know I would regret that later, but how the hell do I not let my sadness seep through to the surface. Can I really plaster on a happy face every time she calls/visits?

These people, these wonderful, amazing, can't-get-any-better-than-this friends of ours are the very people I have pushed out of my life as of late. 

There's nothing okay about that. 

I need to learn how to deal with this.. preferably before I build a bridge between me and my loved ones that becomes too long and bumpy to cross back over. 

Any suggestions?

PS - Something tells me this downer day does NOT line up with the Law of Attraction business I took up last week. Great.

CD 8, Cycle 5