Happy New Year!!!!

A and I have had a fantastic year.

In January, we bought our first real home. I say "real" because it was our really our 2nd house purchase, but the first was a "flip" so we had no intentions of staying there long. We bought the first house suuuuper cheap as a HUD, fixed it up a bit, and sold it a year later. This house, however, we planned on being in for a while. Its much closer to both our jobs, in a quiet neighborhood in a cozy cul-de-sac.. feels much more like home than the first.
In February, I became a first-time aunt (for my side of the family) when my sweet niece Sydnee was born. She has been the light of our family and we have loved watching her grow!

Then, in May we were married.
As I'm sure everyone says, our wedding day was a dream come true.
Everything was perfect and it was so amazing to stand in front of all our loved ones and commit ourselves to one another. Truly a fairytale day for me (and A, though he acts a bit more macho about it!).

We honeymooned in Vegas and had a BLAST! I can't wait to go back.
By the second day there, we had decided we were eager to start our family,
so we devised our baby plan and got to TTC almost right away!

In October, my older sister found out she was finally pregnant after a couple years of trying.
We are SO THRILLED for her and her husband!!!(Best picture I could find of her on my comp, she is holding baby Sydnee)

Then, on Christmas this year, of course - we found out we too are expecting our first.

Though we have certainly seen a few hardships this year,
I can honestly look back and say 2008 was the best year of my life.
So many incredible milestones,
and ending the year with a little Poppy in my belly...
I couldn't be more grateful for what 2008 brought to our life.

I hope that everyone has a wonderful day today,
reflecting on your own blessings of the year.
And I sincerely hope 2009 holds nothing but joy and love,
good health and happiness for all of you.
Happy New Year!!!

The Cat is Out of the Bag!

So much for waiting until we see the heartbeat.
We told the ILs on Saturday by taking a picture of the digital, and wrapping it up with 2 onesies - one said "Grandpa is my hero", the other said "Grandma has all the answers". Haha. They were very excited, but said they already knew. Wish they would have told me.. maybe I wouldn't have gotten so drunk on Christmas! ;) We told my dad the next morning, and he was thrilled as well. Aside from the parents, everyone else in our little world has found out one way or another - we told our nearest and dearest, but I seem to have forgotten how word spreads like wildfire in a small town. :) But it has been fun seeing/hearing people's reactions!!

At this point, I could probably count on my two hands how many people don't know.
But that's ok. Whatever will be, will be.. telling people won't change anything.
I like to think of this (sharing the news) as our way of thinking positively, and luckily so far, we've both been very positive and optimistic and hopeful.
There hasn't been much of the nagging worry I hear about from so many newly pregnant couples - we are just over the moon excited!

The one point that has been weighing on my mind related to "poppy" (as DH has taken to calling the baby), is my job. When hiring me over 5 years ago, my employers mentioned that one of their criteria was someone without children, or who wasn't interested in bringing their children to work. I was this young, energetic, unwed, childless woman with a few years experience who could be at their beck and call for sitting or late hours - I was the perfect candidate for their family, and they hired me on the spot. Now, I am married with other non-work interests and obligations, with a baby on the way. Not their ideal candidate from 5 years ago, but I hope that the relationship and trust we have built up all this time will stand for something.. along with the fact that they are now parents of 3, not first-timers. They have been through the preschool circuit (with their older daughter) and now can see the benefits of group care.. so who knows, maybe they'll surprise us and let me work after the baby is here, bringing the baby with me. The twins will be 2 1/2 by then, far more independent, probably potty trained... I could do it. I just hope they'll let me.
A and I have been discussing when and how I should tell them, what I should say, if I should make any suggestions or put my wishes out there - I have been back and forth about what to do. Our original plan was for me to tell them this Friday, when I return to work. They would need to know soon because obviously my surgery has been canceled and there will be days I need to miss for OB appts and such. So, we figured it would be best to just let them know what is going on right away.
However, I had a terrible dream last night that when I showed up on Friday and I finally saw an opportunity to share the news, they were both so stunned that they didn't know what to say and I ended up being very hurt and disappointed by their reactions. So after that, I woke up this morning and decided I should call the mama this morning and tell her.. that gives them 4 days to get used to the idea before they have to react in person. So, I did. She was very excited for us, and started talking to me about how she felt early in her pregnancies, and told me to just keep them informed - let them know if I'm feeling bad, or when appts are, and said I am welcome to nap in the guest room during the twins' naps because she knows how hard it can be to get through the day with all the fatigue and exhaustion. As far as my future employment goes, though, nothing was said. I didn't really expect an extended job offer on the spot, and I don't even anticipate them having made a decision by Friday - but hanging up the phone, I still had a lump in my throat, worried about whether or not I should be lining up other job opportunities.

For now, I am going to try not to worry about it. I will discuss it a little further with them on Friday, or early next week - to sort of gauge what they're thinking at this point... and if worse comes to worse, I guess I have plenty of time to figure something else out.

Our first OB appt and sonogram (woohoo!) is Jan 27th. 29 days.. a new sort of waiting game.
I am feeling very well so far - not much different, in fact. The only things I have noticed are my super-sensitive boobs (I have to sleep in a sports bra to be even a little comfortable!) and this crazy bloating! Other than that, I feel great!!! I know its still very early though, so I am just hoping this lasts a while!!
This all still feels a little surreal to me... in fact, today is the first day I didn't POAS since the 25th, and thats just because I ran out. If I had one here, I'm sure I would have done it.

4w1d

Merry Christmas!

Well, look at that!!!
I'm pregnant.
Oh my....! After 8 long months, we are finally pregnant!!!
It was a long road to get here, and I just pray to God that this little BabyO sticks!
So, here's how it went down.....
The plan was for us to test the evening of Christmas, once all our familiy festivities were complete. We both agreed it would be so awesome to be able to share such good news on Christmas, but we didn't want to run the risk of having to smile through crushing disappointment should we get another BFN (like we did Thanksgiving).
However, I woke up Christmas morning to a huge temp drop and decided there was no point to test this time, since AF would surely be there that day or by morning.
I was rather disappointed, but didn't let myself get too upset on Christmas - instead, I just drank my troubles away. Seriously, the whole day, I had nothing but liquor or coffee to drink.. or even coffee with liquor. So once we finished up all the family celebrations, we went to see Marley & Me with my sister and BIL (which was sooo sad, BTW!). When we got home, I was getting ready for bed and thought it felt so strange to not be testing this cycle... I have tested every cycle, and even though I knew I would just see another BFN, I decided to just waste the $5 bucks and POAS for the heck of it. Unfortunately, I didn't really have to go to the bathroom, so I barely P'dOAS at all, and I was convinced I probably wouldn't even see one line. I set the test down and went to finish getting ready for bed... I came back in the bathroom a few minutes later to pick up a little, and when I picked up the test to throw it away - I flipped out. There were TWO LINES!!!!
Oh. My. God.
2 Lines.
And all I did was drink all day?? Because I was so sure we were out this cycle. Earlier in the day, DH and I had even discussed our "reevaluation" appt that is set for Monday, and when would be the best time for his SA in January!
But that was all moot now, because there are TWO LINES.
I yelled for A to come in there (because my sis and BIL are staying with us, so I couldn't go running through the house screaming like a lunatic, like I wanted to do). He came in there and I just pointed at the test. He looked at it a second.. then looked at me.. and slowly said "What does that mean?" I told him to read it (keep in mind, there are examples/instructions right on the test!). He looked at it again then said "You read it!".. I told him I already did. And it says we're pregnant. He sat there a second, grinnning ear to ear, and said "Are you sure?". I laughed and pointed out the instructions.. "Look. Two Lines. Pregnant." His response, "Oh my God, It's Christmas. And we're pregnant!"
He has never hugged me so tight... We were both just in shock.
After standing in the bathroom for a few minutes, shaking and crying and hugging, we decided to go wake up my sister to tell her. She was super shocked and excited for us as well.. and it is so wonderful to think we'll have little cousins that are only 3 months apart!!! Yay!
My sister convinced me to call my mom - so I did. Celebrated with her for a few minutes on the phone.. then just sat in shock in our room.
We can't believe it.
We are finally pregnant.
We seriously could not be any happier.
I can't imagine a better Christmas gift!!!

According to FF, I am 3w5d today, EDD September 6.
Thank God.

And thank you, all of you, for your unending support and encouragement along the way!
And KC - I am praying hard for you and your H this cycle!!!! You're always in my thoughts!! GL!

Sweet mother of pearl.
We're having a baby!
Merry Christmas, everyone!!!

Oh My Stars!

9 dpo. Today is 9 dpo. 

That makes tomorrow 10dpo. 

I'm itching itching to test, but I promised my husband we would wait to test until Christmas night (so as to avoid the same kind of heartbreak that ruined Thanksgiving should we get a BFN). 

I don't know if I can keep my promise. 

I think I am going to tell him to hide all my tests, because I seriously cannot be trusted.

I want to know so bad!

And I have all these crazy little things making me think I just have to be KU.

For instance, I cried this morning hearing that Taylor Swift Romeo & Juliet, Love Story whatever song. I mean, come on! I have heard that song 3945756 times and never so much as teared up. Today, cried. With tears.

Ok, so I know - crying at a cute song on the radio is not a strong (or even a weak) indicator of pregnancy.. but just let me dream, ok?

A keeps reminding me to not get my hopes up - and I just keep reminding him that as long as we are trying to get pregnant, my hopes will always be up. I will always be hopeful. Yes, some days I am exceptionally bitter and depressed - but still, there is always a little hope tucked away somewhere. How could there not be? When we want something so badly, and are doing everything in our power to get it - how could I not get my hopes up? But, I do love the fact that he is trying to guard me from the part when I come crashing back down to reality after only seeing one line. 

There will be 2 lines this time. I am hopeful. 

I am all kinds of fidgety today, and my mind is racing around the idea that I could, if we were testing tomorrow, I could find out we are with-child. In less than 24 hrs, our lives could change. But they won't.. because I promised I'd wait. Dang it!! 

Hopefully once my sister is in town with us, I will be so distracted with all our festivities and her 3 big, crazy dogs that I won't think about testing every.single.second. But, something tells me I will see her cute little 16 week belly and want to test that much more!

Oh my stars.. this is torture. 

Saturday Post 2 of 2: Before and After Photos

Kitchen First.
When we moved in, the kitchen had these terrible faux-wood Formica counters. Bleh.
A was able to get us some beautiful granite tile to replace it with, so in June (June) we ripped out the old stuff. He did all the tile-prep work fairly quickly (new plywood, new hardi-backer boards, etc), so for that last 7 months, we've had concrete countertops. Lovely, huh?
We decided to replace our old sink and faucet as well, so before the counters were completed, the new sink was basically just propped up so we could use it, but not really 'installed'. Just this past week, he finally had the time to tile the counters and install the sink - and I loooove how it turned out! He still needs to tile the backsplash, but at least now we have a fully-functional kitchen!

Before (kind of, we already removed drawers)
During - no sink, no counters!

After!! New counter, new sinks, new handles/pulls!

Now, our bathroom.
I already posted the completed tile around our tub and shower, but I didn't have the "before" photos loaded at that time.. so here they are.
We had just the boring builder white tiles before, and now have 12" tile, and an added "nook" for shampoos and things. We had the glass installed this week - so all our bathroom needs now is new floors and it will be d-o-n-e. Luckily, A won't be ripping out the current floors until he is ready to install the new ones. I wouldn't allow it. ;)
Don't let the photo of me "working" fool you - I helped for all of 10 minutes before I got frustrated with how slow and weak I was and decided to leave it up to the professional.
I still don't have a photo of the glass - but, it looks like a glass shower enclosure! Nothing fancy, just silver edges and clear glass (not fogged in any way). I'm sure you can use your imagination! ;)

Another Kind-Of-Before: we started removing the glass
Workin' Hard!!
Actually workin' hard!
The beautiful new tile!!

My husband sure is handy. And I sure do love him for it!
I love him for many other reasons too, of course, but being a handy man is certainly on the list!!

Saturday Post 1 of 2: Seriously??

That's how I feel today... "Seriously?"
As in - I went to wash the guest sheets before my sister comes to town - but apparently didn't start the washer. Stripped the bed, put everything in the wash, added detergent and just walked away. Awesome. My husband noticed this when he went to advance the laundry about an hour later - hooray.
Then, lunch time rolls around. We made ourselves some pierogies and some broccoli with cheese, started yesterday's Ellen on the DVR and just as I went to sit down, I dropped my glass of tea on the wood floor and it broke. Of course. I don't know what the heck happened, I didn't bump into anything.. it didn't really slip.. I just dropped it. Seriously?
An hour or so later, I went to take a couple photos of our kitchen counters so I can brag on my hubby (in post 2 of 2 to come) but had to move some wine bottles out of the way first. So, I am putting them in our wine fridge, and what do ya know? That lovely bottle of 'red table wine' we bought on the wine trail last week - yep, just dropped it, too. For no apparent reason.. it just went crashing to the tile floor. Red wine and glass everywhere. Fantastic.

What is my deal today? Seriously?

7dpo today. Woohoo. We will be testing Christmas Night. That would be CD12.
We were going to wait til the next morning, or even not test early at all - but if there's a chance for us to have a "Christmas BFP", we're going to take it. 5 days til testing. Eek.

And I have to say - K, Congratulations Love. We are so so happy for you!!!

It's not easy being green.

Its amazing to me how my mood can change at the drop of a hat these days.

And not necessarily amazing in a good way.

I have never been so emotionally unstable.. such a basketcase.

I have become rather irrational, over-reactive, and often times insanely jealous.

None of these really make me proud.. usually just ashamed at myself for letting myself venture into such unattractive territory.

I have such a difficult time keeping myself and my emotions in check.

I have a difficult time keeping things in perspective, and reminding myself that "this too shall pass" or that our day is coming. 

There are so many things weighing on my mind in regards to our journey, and it feels like there are so many decisions to make or steps to take - but really.. there is nothing we can do right now to change where we are or where we are going.

I have concerns over my husband's fertility, and a conversation I am not so patiently waiting for between him and his parents (about a surgery he had in his early childhood). 

I have concerns over my fertility and answers I am not so patiently waiting for about my situation and whether or not choices I made in my past may be coming back to haunt my present. 

I have concerns over my job, and the time I may need to take off work in order to get those answers I am not so patiently waiting for. I have concerns over whether or not I should discuss our situation with my employer so that they may understand why I'm missing work more now than ever before. And if I decide its best to have this conversation, what do I say? How much do I share? Should I keep it short and sweet.. or turn to them for guidance since they too faced a few obstacles in starting their family? I mean, this decision in particular is really weighing on my mind - I think the number of dreams I've had about having this discussion totals 4 at this point. Some with wonderful outcomes and some that didn't turn out quite as well as I would hope. Every time I start to think telling them would be best, I get a horrible pit in my stomach and say to myself 'maybe next week'. 

I want so desperately to feel some forward momentum here, but I don't.

I want to know that we are on the right path to success, to our BFP, but I feel like we are just continuing to do all the same things that have gotten us nowhere (which really is all this journey is, lather rinse repeat)... but I want to know if these 'same things' are all the right things. Is there more to it than this? Something else we could or should be doing? Something standing in our way? 

A week ago I felt confident in my and my husband's short term plan (if we were to get a BFN again this month, he would go in for an SA in Jan and we would go from there), but tonight I had another one of those mini-meltdowns I've sadly become so accustomed to. I just feel like we are walking in circles.

I'm getting dizzy.

I want off this ride. 

I want something to celebrate.

Last Night, I came home to...

1. A pot of homemade chili ready to eat for dinner. 

2. Almost half of our kitchen counter tiled!!! WOOHOO!!! 

I love my husband.

What a wonderful surprise to come home to! I am so excited to finally see progress in the kitchen and thrilled that it will (most likely) be done before my sister comes to stay with us for Christmas. And I'm amazed at how much better the kitchen looks already, even with only part of the countertop tiled. I can't wait until its completed! 

I only have 2 things to say....

1. Surgery is scheduled for Monday 19 January, at noon. 

2. I actually got to shower in our master bathroom this morning, and it. was. wonderful!! 

(Pics of the completed bathroom coming soon.. I fell asleep while they were uploading last night!)

Happy Day. 

Surgery News...

Well, I guess the only real news right now is that the surgery (to remove the adenoma) will be in January. We are waiting for the nurse to call back with the exact day - she has to coordinate the surgeon's schedule with the radiologist's schedule so its not as simple as just picking a day. But how sad is this? She said the surgeon prefers procedures like this to be done on a Friday or a Monday, so I told her anytime after Jan 16th is fine with me. Why? Because I do not want to miss book club this time!! Pathetic, I know. But after the strong reaction I had to this particular book selection, you better believe I will be at that meeting come hell or high water!!
As for the surgery - its outpatient, with general anesthesia. I am terrified of being knocked out, but still would prefer that to the alternative - being awake while they cut open my boob. Yikes.
So apparently, a 'couple hours' before the actual operation, I will be sent to radiology where they will use an ultrasound guide to insert a small wire into the adenoma - and will stick out of my skin. That is a little bothersome.. but they do that so the surgeon knows where to go in. Then I will be taken to pre-op and prepped, and on to surgery. The procedure should only last about 30 minutes, then I'll be in recovery for an hour or so and sent home with another keepsake ice pack and a prescription for pain killers. Sounds easy enough. Recovery time is about 2 weeks, but he said I should be able to return to work after 1 week. No external stitches, no dressings that needed to be changed (after the first dressing comes off at 48 hrs), minimal scarring. I'll be fine.. if I can get past my anxiety about the anesthesia.
I really like this surgeon far more than the first guy we met with. This guy explained every little detail, every risk, every statistic, what he would do if I were a family member, what his job as a physician is (ie, treating the whole patient, mind and body, not just responding to their chart).. he was great. I feel much more confident under his care than I did with the original surgeon.

So, I am very relieved to have made the decision to remove it. I agonized over what to do, but now feel good about the path we're taking.
And in other good news, FF moved my O date up to CD14 - which makes more sense to me, and shows we had much better timing! Yay!!! I am still a little worried that I didn't have EW this time (which is very unusual for me), but we'll just wait and see what happens. Unless I test early, we won't know by Christmas, but there's a chance I'll have the best birthday ever this year! Time will tell.
(FYI - If I do have the best birthday ever this year, my fears over general anesthesia will be for nothing - I'd have to have the surgery under local anesthesia. EEK! But, in that situation, I wouldn't care as much - I'd be having a baby and all would be right in the world!)