And not necessarily amazing in a good way.
I have never been so emotionally unstable.. such a basketcase.
I have become rather irrational, over-reactive, and often times insanely jealous.
None of these really make me proud.. usually just ashamed at myself for letting myself venture into such unattractive territory.
I have such a difficult time keeping myself and my emotions in check.
I have a difficult time keeping things in perspective, and reminding myself that "this too shall pass" or that our day is coming.
There are so many things weighing on my mind in regards to our journey, and it feels like there are so many decisions to make or steps to take - but really.. there is nothing we can do right now to change where we are or where we are going.
I have concerns over my husband's fertility, and a conversation I am not so patiently waiting for between him and his parents (about a surgery he had in his early childhood).
I have concerns over my fertility and answers I am not so patiently waiting for about my situation and whether or not choices I made in my past may be coming back to haunt my present.
I have concerns over my job, and the time I may need to take off work in order to get those answers I am not so patiently waiting for. I have concerns over whether or not I should discuss our situation with my employer so that they may understand why I'm missing work more now than ever before. And if I decide its best to have this conversation, what do I say? How much do I share? Should I keep it short and sweet.. or turn to them for guidance since they too faced a few obstacles in starting their family? I mean, this decision in particular is really weighing on my mind - I think the number of dreams I've had about having this discussion totals 4 at this point. Some with wonderful outcomes and some that didn't turn out quite as well as I would hope. Every time I start to think telling them would be best, I get a horrible pit in my stomach and say to myself 'maybe next week'.
I want so desperately to feel some forward momentum here, but I don't.
I want to know that we are on the right path to success, to our BFP, but I feel like we are just continuing to do all the same things that have gotten us nowhere (which really is all this journey is, lather rinse repeat)... but I want to know if these 'same things' are all the right things. Is there more to it than this? Something else we could or should be doing? Something standing in our way?
A week ago I felt confident in my and my husband's short term plan (if we were to get a BFN again this month, he would go in for an SA in Jan and we would go from there), but tonight I had another one of those mini-meltdowns I've sadly become so accustomed to. I just feel like we are walking in circles.
I'm getting dizzy.
I want off this ride.
I want something to celebrate.
1 comment:
B, I'm so sorry. I know all too well that feeling of stagnation, of spinning the wheels, but it's also true that no one really can know what it feels like from your perspective. There are days it all seems manageable, and there are days it seems like there are a million and one things to be upset about, a million and one things that are standing between you and your BFP, and you don't know what to do about a single one of them.
The best I can do is to remind you, as always, that I'm here to listen to anything you need to share, be it vent, bitter joke, or celebration. You and your DH are always, always in our thoughts. Your day WILL come, but that doesn't make the waiting any easier. (((hugs)))
And PS - I know I don't know much about your work situation or relationship with your boss(es), but for what it's worth I think you should talk to her. She may be able to offer support and insight, or at the very least understanding. (((more hugs)))
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