Jumping back on the wagon....

I am so excited!!
After almost 6 super crazy weeks, Andy and I are once again confident enough in our situation to hop back on the TTC train! It was an agonizing decision when we first decided we were ready to try back in May, but once we realized that now was the time - we got soo excited about starting our journey. We endured 5 cycles with no success, and in that time learned a lot about hope and patience, disappointment and perseverance. When our plans were sidelined by my terrible annual exam, we were crushed. We knew that it would be best to follow doctor's orders and postpone our plans for a while, but that was the last thing in the world we wanted to do.
We had mentally prepared ourselves for it to be at least a couple cycles before everything was resolved - but much to our surprise and amazement, after 5 1/2 short (read: looooong) weeks, we are in a much better position than we ever imagined to be this soon.

It was kind of strange to be back in a position discussing whether or not now is the right time to TTC. Who would have ever guessed that after our first exciting decision in May, that we'd be back at square one before we even had our first BFP. But, here we are.... once again "starting" our journey.
I've thought about convincing myself to wipe my slate clean.. tell myself this is the beginning, cycle 1. Maybe that would put me in a mindset where I am more relaxed about the whole process, just "having fun" or "seeing what happens". But, unfortunately, once one's naivety is shattered, there's no going back. As much as I'd like to treat this like Cycle 1, it still feels like Cycle 6.
I still remember how much it surprised me (and pained me) to see that first BFN, after we knew we did everything right. I still remember how much more the second cycle's BFN hurt than the first. I still remember convincing myself that third time would be the charm. I remember that Cycle 3 was the first one where I was tortured with phantom PG symptoms - where every twitch, every headache, every ping or pain or thought all led to "This is it - I just know it happened this time!". Cycle 4 was hard for me to be as hopeful as before, yet as each day of my 2ww passed, I got more and more excited - only to once more be let down. Cycle 5 was easier than 4, I had really worked on not becoming bitter and fearful and just living in the moment - then at 3dpo, everything collapsed around me.
I became so conflicted about how I felt that cycle should turn out. It was so hard to go from trying to get pregnant one week to worrying about what getting pregnant would mean for my health the next. A few days into the booby-drama, I told myself it would be okay this one time if we got a BFN. I told myself not to be upset if we failed this time.. because we had other things we needed to worry about. But still, seeing that BFN absolutely broke my heart.
With that negative test, it became time to postpone our dreams. I really struggled with putting my hopes and plans and fate in someone else's hands, and I really worried about how those 2 health issues would play out. October was a terribly emotional and trying time for us.. but we made it through.
I am happy to bid October good-bye and I really look forward to what November holds for us. Cycle 6 should start in the next few days.. and I am SO HAPPY to say that we are TTC once again. I will miss not having to wake up and temp everyday, and it has been kinda nice to not worry about OPK's - but I will gladly pick those rituals back up again. And no, I cannot go into this half-heartedly and just "see what happens". If we are TTC, then for my own sanity, I need to do whatever it takes to feel in control of such an unpredictable journey. That means that for me to stay sane I need to temp and chart and use OPK's and all that jazz.. I just need to.

So thank you to everyone who has been so supportive of me and my husband as we tried to weather this crazy storm! We were truly touched, and so thankful, to have so much love and encouragement from our friends and family.
I hope we have good news to share very soon!!