Home SWEET Home!!!

***I wrote this post on Sunday evening, Nov 30.. thought I published it then. Oops.***

I have never been happier to return from a vacation.
This weekend was so long, so hard, and so emotional.
I have typed out several weekend recaps, with all intentions of keeping my summary short and sweet.. but once I start typing, I get way ahead of myself and quickly begin feeling like I've said too much. I don't want to come off sounding like I am complaining about my family, because I truly love my in-laws. I love my niece and nephews, I most often enjoy the time spent with the whole family - but this weekend was just far more than I could handle.
Its hard enough as it is mesh with the in-laws and their family dynamic (which is in stark contrast to the dynamic/atmosphere of my own family), but I normally do a very good job at trying to fit in. This weekend, however, things just didn't seem to work out as well as I had hoped.
On one hand, I dreaded going on this trip after learning of our failed cycle. I really just wanted to curl up into weeping ball and stay in bed until work on Monday morning. 4 days of moping and crying sounded like a weekend well spent to me with the way I felt on Wednesday.
But on the other hand, I was (insanely) optimistic that if I forced myself to follow through with our plans, I would end up having a great time at the beach and would come home feeling refreshed.
Instead, I followed through with our plans and went to the beach, but still wanted to do nothing but curl up into a weeping ball and stay in bed for 4 days.
I can't count how many times I had to sneak out of the room because I couldn't hold back my tears any longer.
I can't count how many times I had to look away just because the sight of my SIL's beautiful pregnant belly made my stomach tie in knots.
I can't count how many times I lost patience with my niece/nephews over the littlest things, at no fault of their own, only because I had no tolerance for life at the time.
I can't count how many times my husband put his arm around me and promised me we'd have our day to celebrate.
And I can't count how many times I apologized to him for making him spend his vacation trying to keep me put together. Or how many times I thanked him for being so supportive and understanding.

Here we were, the whole O family together at the beach.
Everyone was healthy (well almost, FIL was hacking up a lung the whole time, but other than his cold - everyone is in great health).
The weather was beautiful.
We walked along the beach. Built sand castles. Looked for sea shells. Searched for crabs at night.
My husband and I walked to the look-out where he proposed to me exactly 2 years ago.
One night we sat in that look-out and didn't say a word, just enjoyed the night air and the stars in the sky.
One night we sat by the water and talked about everything, our hopes and dreams and favorite memories.
I was able to finish a great book.
You'd think with all these things, I could come home and report that we had a magical weekend.

But my head has been pounding since Friday.
My heart has been aching since Wednesday.
All I can think about it is how hard it was to be down there in a sense mourning another cycle, when all we had hoped to do was celebrate a BFP with the whole family.