I do not approve.

Fertility Friend says I am 3dpo today.
That cannot be true!

I really hope FF is wrong.

Or, on the off chance FF is accurate, I hope I at least have a decent LP - not a weak 11day LP like the last time I O'ed ridiculously early.

I'm really bummed by this calculation.
Want to know why?
1. We thought CD12 would be the opening day of our fertility window, not THE day - so our timing would have been way off this time, with this wacky early O.
2. I have not had any true EWCF this cycle - and I usually have very good, reliable CF.
3. Why did I get a negative OPK on the very day FF says I O'ed??
4. If FF is accurate, and I have my typical 13 day LP - CD1 would be ON CHRISTMAS DAY.
Merry freaking CHRISTMAS, huh?

Of course, I should be thinking positively, right? CD1 won't be on Christmas because we'll get our BFP instead, right?. Except, we have been unable to get our BFP with perfect timing.. so I really don't expect to see one with this crazy early O and sucky-suck timing.

I really (really) hope FF is wrong.

Freakin A!

So, its OPK time once more. Yippee.. more pee sticks.

So, I toss one in my purse this morning, dash to the restroom around 730, so as to relieve myself before I have to "hold it" for 4 hours...

Man, 2 cups of coffee... holding it... not a good idea.

I'm about to explode by noon, which cannot be good for my bladder.

I practically ran to the bathroom as soon as the twins went down for nap... tore open that wrapper... and immediately noticed the stupid stupid test already had 2 lines!!!

What the...?

Obviously its a defective test, but how is that even possible?

There were already lines!

GROSS.. did some First Response factory worker already pee on my stick?

::gag::

Beyond how disgusted I am, I'm pissed.

Now I won't know if I'm surging yet.

Argh.

But, guess what?!?

I'm sooooo excited...

My sister had her NT scan today and everything measured perfectly! They also opted to do a blood test to check for certain genetic anomalies (she has a mentally disabled BIL), so when the blood work comes back they can determine the gender. BUT, the ultrasound tech was pretty sure she some a little something between baby's legs. She printed out a few pics pointing to the area.. and my sister is now convinced she is having a boy. --I can't wait to see the pics!--

YAY!!!

Of course, the lab results will say for sure in a week.. but for now, she's thinking blue.

I'm so excited for her.

Hope everyone is having a happy hump day!

She means well... right?

Shortly after my husband and I started dating, his best friend started dating a girl who quickly became one of my closest friends. We bonded over being "the new girls in town" and had an instant closeness. She has seen Andy and I through everything.. moving in together, our first big fight, losing our puppy, getting engaged, selling our house, stood with us as we married - she (and her boyfriend, A's best friend) have been right along side us through it all. 

So naturally, when A and I were so excited to start TTC, I told her our plans. 

At the time she had a 9 month old son and was about 4 months pregnant with her second. Both babies were "oops" babies.. the first happened when she missed a few BC pills. The second happened when her and J were broken up and not even living under the same roof. At the time, those things did not bother me.  They had a precious, healthy baby boy who I adore, and another healthy baby on the way. That was all that mattered to me, and I was very involved in Little Man's life.. super excited to meet Baby Boy 2. 

When I shared with her that we were going to start trying, she gave me a little shtick about how we should just enjoy our time as newlyweds.. we should just let it happen and not worry about 'trying' .. there would be plenty of time to have a family, we should enjoy our freedom now.. etc. Again, at the time - didn't bother me. 

Fast forward a few months... she came over one day to find me completing an online order for OPKs and HPTs and asked why I would want to spend money TTC when babies would be expensive enough on their own. I didn't know how to react to that.. At this point we had already been hit with 2 failed cycles (which, sadly and naively, we were not at all expecting). All sorts of things ran through my head in response to her, but all I did was nervously laugh it off. That was the first time her words really rubbed me the wrong way. How could she possibly understand what its like to make the decision to try to get pregnant, and not have things go according to plan? I vented about it to Andy, and agreed with him that I just shouldn't discuss the situation with her unless I have to.. because as much as she cares and tries to say the right thing, she just won't ever understand what it feels like to be on this side of things. 

Over the course of the next couple months, she'd ask for updates from time to time and I'd keep my answers short and sweet. Of course I got the obligatory "just relax" type comments from her, but I was (kinda) good at letting them roll of my back. When we had to take a cycle off from trying, she told me that was probably for the better so I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. (If you recall, I had a similar text convo with another friend about that.. it amazes me that anyone would think that would be the right thing to say!!). After she said that to me, I had a little heart-to-heart with her about just how difficult this is, and it isn't as easy as flipping a switch and forgetting about it. I gently let her know that this is a very sensitive and emotional subject, so she should really be careful of what she says and how she says them. 

Well, apparently she missed the point and last night.. I felt like I got kicked in the stomach.

We were on the phone, catching up after a hectic few weeks kept us from talking much. Of course, she asked if we were still trying. I decided I'd just spill it all to her, and if nothing else she'd realize just how heart-breaking this has become and maybe start to realize she should be a little more careful and sensitive with her remarks. I told her everything.. how depressed I've been since the last BFN, how hard the shower was, how frustrating it has become to field questions about it, how worried we are about what the future holds, that we are pursuing further testing in January if we don't get a BFP this month - everything. I told her everything. 

Want to know what she said?

(If you aren't already, take a seat!)

"Man, I wish there was some way we could trade bodies or something.. I'm like a fertility God. I mean, I'm afraid to even have sex with J because I just know we'd end up pregnant again. Haha"

Are you freaking kidding me?????

Seriously? I mean, SERIOUSLY?

I really didn't know what to say.

I don't remember exactly what came out of my mouth next, you know, on account of the shock and awe I was feeling.

I believe I told her that was kind of disturbing and not really all that funny.

She took on a more serious tone and went on to say, "Well, at first I was worried about you guys trying right away, but now you've had time to enjoy married life a little while and got to do all sorts of fun things you wouldn't be able to do with a baby. You were able to fix up your house, and get your new car and tv, you've met lots of great people... now would be a good time for you to get pregnant. Maybe since I'm giving you permission this time, now it will work. Haha. Wouldn't that be funny? I give you my blessing, then you turn up pregnant. That could be my Christmas gift to you."

My response: "That would be a lovely gift, thank you. Well, I just got home, gotta run in and check on the boys, make sure they're not getting into trouble. I'll talk to you later. KBye."

I was absolutely floored.

Floored.

Dumbfounded.

Shot through the heart.

Had to call KA and vent and scream and bitch and whine.

She gave me a little (much needed) tough love, and I felt a little better hanging up with her.. but I still can't quite shake this conversation.

I know she means well. I know she just can't relate.. just can not understand.

I can't fault her for being blissfully ignorant and insanely fertile. 

I don't want to hold this against her, or dwell on how painful it was to hear those things - because I know she was only trying to lighten it up a little... but she really missed the mark.

This is exactly why we have (somewhat subconsciously) alienated ourselves from our friends, our very fertile, clueless friends. I hate having this distance between us and those who we've loved for years and years.. but I cannot handle situations like these. I just can't seem to process them, or let them go.

I still adore her, and the other friends who fall into the "clueless and fertile" category - but to guard my own heart, I feel like until we have good news to share, I'm just going to have to keep them at arm's length. 

And that makes me sad.

Does not make this journey any easier.. and just reinforces that feeling of being in this alone (even though I know I have you wonderful ladies!).

:(

Well, that was fun.

Yesterday was my SIL's first baby shower, for her first child. I co-hosted along with my MIL and my other SIL. Given the circumstances of our current situation TTC, I was really worried about how'd I'd feel when all was said and done. 

In the days leading up to the shower, as I was making the final preparations for our activity, and doing all the grocery shopping, and picking up the guest book frame, I had several conversations with myself about what to expect and how to react. I reminded myself over and over that I am genuinely so happy for her and her husband, and I am so eager to meet his baby boy. I reminded myself that I cannot fault her for her own good fortune (getting pregnant in the days after our wedding - when we wanted to be the ones getting KU!). I reminded myself that she is lucky to not have a clue what kind of pain I am in at this point, and that it would not be fair of me to give her any inclination of it. Everything will be fine. We'll visit with family and friends we don't get to see often, we'll eat some yummy food, perhaps indulge in a glass of wine or a mimosa, we'll oooh and aahh over tiny little clothes and blankets and toys and books... it'll be great. 

And the shower was great. We had an excellent turn-out, delicious food, a chocolate fountain, she got amazing gifts, we made a cute little book for her chalk-full of advice.. it was a lovely shower. 

But was I great? No. Not even a little great. 

I expected to field a question or two about when A and I were planning on having babies. I had already decided to answer, "Oh, one of these days" so as not to give too much info hinting at us TTC, but also not too little that would give them opportunity to bounce back with a follow-up question. What I wasn't expecting, however, was that 2 of A's aunts thought we may already be pregnant.  Here's why... after our TGiving trip to Port A with his immediate family, the plan was to go eat another big meal with his dad's extended family. Everyone went straight to A's uncle's house as they got back into town Sunday afternoon. But that was CD1 for me - which meant I was all kinds of crampy and emotional about the confirmed failure of the previous cycle. Couple that with how overwhelmed I was by the trip to the coast, and I just could not handle the thought of sitting through any more big family functions... so I called my mom to meet us in town to pick me up and A went on to the dinner. He told everyone I woke up with an upset stomach and the 4 hour car ride didn't help matters, so I went home to go to bed. To everyone there, that meant I must be pregnant. Even though A reassured everyone that we are not, apparently nobody believed him.

So, at the shower, I was ambushed by 2 of his aunts. Ok, "ambushed" is a little harsh.. but I believe they thought they had safety in numbers so they double-teamed me! They approached me saying they missed me last week, and they're glad to see I'm feeling better. I agreed, yep, glad to be better. Here's how the rest of the conversation played out:

Aunt1 said something to the effect of, "Was it just that day you were sick, or have you been sick any since then?"

Me: Just that day, thank goodness. It was miserable.

Aunt2: Oh, we thought maybe it wasn't just an upset stomach..

Me: Well, I don't think it was food poisoning or anything, I ate the same thing everyone else did at the coast. Well, aside from the fish.. 

Aunt1: Noo, we meant.. like.. some good news worth sharing..?

Me: What? No. We are not pregnant! Didn't A tell you that? I was just sick...

Aunt1: Well, yeah, he did say that.. but we thought..

Aunt2: .. maybe he wanted you to share the good news, didn't want to steal your thunder?

Me: Well I can assure you that, one, we are not pregnant, and two - if we were, we'd let you know. We wouldn't be secretive about it, and we certainly would come up with better excuses than a stomach ache if we were trying to be. 

Aunt2: (laughing) I'm sorry.. I hope we didn't offend you. 

Me: No, you didn't, don't worry.

But they did. Kinda. 

I mean, they didn't really offend me, but they definitely rubbed salt in a wound they didn't even know existed. I thought I had been doing so well about smiling through the pain of the afternoon, not letting on that my heart was broken - but at that moment, all my courage was sucked away. I thought "41 more minutes.. I can last another 41 more minutes without losing my mind. Then A will be here to pick me up and we'll go have a nice dinner with a grande mexican martini and I'll be fine." 

5 o'clock rolls around.. my husband is not there like he said he would be. I called him at 504 - "Where are you? I have to get out of here.. you said you'd pick me up at 5 and you lied! I knew we should've taken 2 cars!" All he said was "That bad, huh?" but it was enough to deduce me to tears. Luckily, he was on his way, so I was able to make a clean break shortly thereafter. 

What I didn't know at the time was he made plans with friends of ours to meet them for dinner.. I would still get my grande mexican martini - but I would be sipping it a table with our 2 friends and their 2 kids. Yippee. I love these particular friends of ours.. and she is one of the few who we told after the wedding that we'd be TTC. She is amazing about not hounding us with questions or fishing for updates.. just lets me to cry to her about it when I need to. But it had been a couple months since we've seen them, so she couldn't help but ask if we are still trying. I just quickly and quietly said that yes, we're still desperately trying. 

She sat there for a moment before saying that she's been praying for us and she knows it will happen soon.

I was so surprised, and so touched!

This is the first encounter for me (or that I've even heard of) where a fertile myrtle knew the right thing to say at the right time. No lame "relax" advice, no stupid "it will happen when its meant to happen" advice... just encouragement and prayer. I wanted to get up and give her a big hug, but kept my cool. I don't think she even has any idea how much those simple words meant to me. 

So, as hard as it was to sit there with a baby and a toddler after enduring the most painful baby shower that ever was, I was really glad we had dinner with them last night. 

Today is CD9 - and I'm still trying to pull myself out of my gloom-and-doom funk so I can once again return to the Pre-O happy-and-hopeful phase. I'm getting there... 

Thanks, Einstein!

Albert Einstein seems to think that "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result" means one should be considered insane. Insane.

But isn't that what this whole journey is.. doing the same thing(s) over and over [and over and over] again and just praying for a different result? 

Yes, yes.. that is exactly what TTC is.. at least for a lot of women/couples, anyway. 

So, call me insane if you must. I have pretty much self-diagnosed myself as "insane" anyway!  

I started (and nearly finished) reading "The Conception Chronicles" yesterday. I've really enjoyed it so far, and its proven be to very informative on what to expect should we need to "reevaluate" next month.  

I read this part last night and thought how ironic it was that I picked up this book on the very day I blogged about my (not so temporary) insanity with my outburst at my husband, and the day after I whined about the holding pattern! (Thank you universe - for drawing my attention to this book yesterday! Maybe you aren't so bad after all... )

I ear-marked the page to quote it here, tell me if it sounds familiar. (This is from Ch6 "The Angry Ovulator", pg 94)

" There's A New Emotion In Town

By the time you finally hit your fertile window, you are consumed with unfiltered, unabridged anger, and guess who the lucky recipient is to bear the wrath of your rage? That's right, it's the man you swore to love in good times and bad.

Why are you so angry? You're angry because life as you knew it is on hold. You'll get back to volunteering . . . once you get pregnant. You'll refocus at work . . . next month. You'll skip the second glass of wine at dinner . . . just in case. You'll start working out again . . . after the baby comes. All these things make you angry, but most of all, you're angry because you're still not pregnant. Literally, every aspect of your life is affected by your attempts to have a baby while your husband's life goes on as normal. He's working, hitting the gym, enjoying that extra beer and meeting friends for poker. Aside from having a lot more sex, things are basically status quo for him.

Your husband isn't the only one adding to your angst. If one more fertile friend tells you to "just relax and you'll be pregnant in no time," you're going to lose it. You've heard the story over and over, about so-and-so's cousin who was told she could never conceive a child, so she adopted and guess what? Of course, we all know what happened next . . . she got pregnant . . . on her own . . . without even seeing a doctor. Hurray for her! You paste an intrigued look on your face while using every ounce of energy you have left to suppress your primal urge to tackle this woman to the ground and beat the smugness out of her. If you weren't wearing your nice pants, you'd do it. 

You can't wait for this torture to be over. Prayers to God no longer start with hopes for world peace. You've limited your request to one: "Please, please, please, God, let me get pregnant this month." "

A-FREAKING-MEN!

I cannot believe how much those words mirrored my own thoughts from the last few days/weeks/months. That may be the best $12.95 I've ever spent - just to see that I'm not crazy, that I'm not alone in feeling the way I feel a lot of the time... that this is such a natural and common reaction for women who are trying everything they can to get pregnant. I love this book. I love the women who wrote it. 

You should read it if you haven't already. It is so damn relatable, its unreal.

Still struggling...

.. to make it through one day, just one, without breaking down.

Last night I was a lunatic. A crazy person. I completely lost my mind.

Here's what happened, but I'm warning you.. I was crazy. 

My husband is a project manager for a local flooring company, and he has become pretty good friends with his fellow PM's and a few of the higher-up managers. They have pretty regular nights out with the guys, they get together on weekends for games or fights or poker. They all are slightly obsessed with disc golf, so there are several DG outings a month.. you get the point. They're buds.

Yesterday, around lunch, A calls to tell me he's on his way to a "team-building meeting with the managers". I knew that equaled disc golf.. so I got a little irritated and said something to him about just calling it what it is and not making it sound like its more important. And I asked him "what managers?" to see if he meant some of the big-wigs, or just his buds. He meant his buds. Who are managers, but not THE managers. KWIM? 

I may or may not have said it was a stupid game and I could give him a list of more productive things to do with his time. I may or may not have told him to find a real job with real responsibilities. 

As soon as my little tantrum was through, I immediately felt bad and told him to enjoy himself and that I wish I could have a "team-building meeting" every once in a while. 

Soo.. when I got off the phone with him, I took a few deep breaths and tried to convince myself that after such a crap-tastic weekend, he deserves to blow off a little steam. 

4:30 rolls around, haven't heard from A since lunch (which is very unusual) so I call him... still playing disc golf. I got angry again, and told him I couldn't talk to him right now.

I got off work around 6:45.. called him again. STILL PLAYING DISC GOLF. How is that even possible?? 7 HOURS of disc golf? Really? Did they go to every course in a 50 mile radius?? Nope, been at the same place the whole time. What the heck?

Obviously, given the pattern of the day, I got angry again. I lost my mind. Why? I have no freaking idea. I cannot tell you, or even myself, why that made me so angry.. but as I continued to raise my voice at him (God bless him, he just let me have my moment and then asked if I was ok).... anyway, the deeper I got into my rant I said this.. and I honestly did not see it coming.. "I am stuck at work all day everyday, always working overtime with these babies.. I feed them and bathe them and dress them and put them to bed, wake them up.. I am like their mother from the time they wake up until an hour before bedtime. I have to think about babies all day long and be reminded ALL DAY LONG of what we haven't been able to achieve. You go to work and get to fuck around all day, go have fun, forget about all the shit we are going through - I AM GOING THROUGH. You don't have to even give it a second thought, and I have 2 walking breathing crying pooping reminders all day. And it pisses me off!!" 

About that time I broke into tears.. and A just sat there silent. 

Let me make this perfectly clear: I adore these girls and I LOVE MY JOB. I cannot think of a better way to make my living, and I would go to the ends of the earth for these girls. 

But it is hard.

In this situation, it is painful.

Honestly, I am glad my husband has figured out a way to walk through each day with his pain tucked out of sight. I am envious of that, in fact. It helps him cope to wake up and not think about it - and I'm sure it would help me too, I just can't seem to get it off my mind.  I certainly don't wish for him to be as emotionally unstable as I am.. our house is only big enough for one looney! I should have been happy for him the he had such a great distraction from reality yesterday, but instead I was insanely jealous. And I do mean insanely. 

I hate that it has turned me into this person.

I hate that I flipped out at my husband over NOTHING.

I hate that I cry myself to sleep.

I hate that I have virtually lost contact with all my friends.

I hate this feeling of loss and failure and emptiness.

In my husband's defense.. when I got home, he was a saint. He told me he is always thinking about our situation, and hoping and praying things go our way soon.. he just knows that being deeply upset about it everyday won't change anything. At least not for the better. I hope I can learn a thing or two from him about coping with this. 

Perpetual Holding Pattern.

*I hit "save" instead of "publish" yesterday, again. Sorry.*

That's what TTC is for me. 

Just one big, never-ending, holding pattern.

CD 1 always brings on the obligatory wave of disappointment, but as the week marches on, the disappointment slowly fades into the background.. not away entirely, just a little further out of sight.  By the time the disappointment subsides enough to let a little hope seep in, we've usually hit that ugly middle ground between AF and O. Where we're temping, and checking, and charting, and counting, and waiting, waiting, waiting. Waiting for my ovaries to cooperate.

By CD 10-11, we are nearing the window of opportunity. The closer and closer we get to our fertile window, the more and more excited and hopeful and eager and anxious we become.  

But that time between mourning the failure of another cycle to the time we pull the OPKs out of the cabinet.. that 10 or 11 days, its nothing but torture. 

Following the long-awaited ovulation are the much-anticipated cross-hairs. 

More waiting. Waiting for FF to confirm what we're usually already sure of. 

After the crosshairs comes the 2 week wait. 

I. hate. the. 2ww.. and I'm fairly certain I need not elaborate on the evils of this phase. 

I feel like every day I am just waiting for something else to happen, something thats entirely out of my control. 

I cannot stand not being in control. 

I want to MAKE things happen, and I am (we are) doing everything in our power to steer this ship in the direction we'd like to go... but TTC just doesn't work that way.  

I like dealing with black-and-white, concrete, cause-and-effect scenarios. 

I don't like that TTC is one big, ugly gray area!!!

You could do this to help your body do that.. but so-and-so did this and it didn't work for her, so his doctor told him to do xyz to help change that but I read that if you........

I can't take it.

I had no idea TTC could be so hard. I really was ignorant enough to think that all we had to do was make the decision, throw caution to the wind... have sex. That's all it would take. We'd be pregnant in no time! 

I see people on the boards asking questions that I honestly would not have known the answer to a year ago, but being where I am now in my journey - I find myself scoffing at them. Ugh, how pitiful, they don't even know... 

Truth be told, ignorance really was bliss.

I wish I didn't know how common infertility truly is.

I wish I didn't know how common miscarriage/pregnancy loss really is. 

I wish I didn't know just how heartbreaking TTC can be. 

But I am thankful for all the ladies who pointed me in the right direction when I was just starting out, who advised me on what to read and do and monitor. I am grateful for the knowledge I have under my belt, but I sure do miss the days when I was blissfully unaware of the painful side of TTC.

You know what else I wish?

I wish we weren't on cycle 7. 

Seems pretty obvious, huh?

Well, I say that because at our preconception appt, my doctor gave us the whole shtick about how it can take perfectly healthy couples up to 12 months to conceive. But she went on to tell us that if we were accurately charting for 6 months with no success, to come back and see her to reevaluate.  It wasn't long after that appt that my annual was due.. so I printed out my charts for her to look at that day, and she said all looked well.  She told me she was confident the next time she saw us would be for our first OB appt - "good luck!". Of course, that was the day the tumor was found so I saw her several more times in the next couple weeks.. and obviously, none of those appts were near as exciting as a first OB appt would be. We took a cycle off, at her urging, to handle the boob drama (we all remember that, how could we forget? I still talk about it way more often than I should!).... but a little over a month later, she gave us the green light and again commented about "seeing us soon". I wish. I wish the next time I saw her could be an exciting appointment, instead of a dreadful one. 

But, here we are. Charting for 6 months, with no success.  (I used TCOYF software before buying FF) 

This should be (could be) when we'd be scheduling our "reevaluation" appointment. 

The timing of this, our 7th cycle, sucks though.. because neither of us want to "reevaluate" right before the holidays. We would rather get through Christmas, and New Years, and our birthdays blissfully unaware of any potential issues. Let us try one more time... if we don't have a Christmas Miracle (Dear Santa.. this year, we just want a baby. That's all. Thanks!) we'll be scheduling an appt to "reevaluate". I don't really know what that even means.. and I don't think I'm ready to find out. 

A has volunteered to go have an SA done in January if we don't get it right this time.. so thats one thing on the agenda. 

One thing that makes me feel like we're actually accomplishing something, gaining ground.. stepping out of this terrible holding pattern. 

Cycle 7, Day 2

What the heck is going on with my temps this cycle?

They are much higher for CDs 1&2 than normal. 

And I can't help but notice they are still above my coverline from last cycle.. which has all sorts of strange things going through my mind, even though AF arrived with a vengeance yesterday morning. 

What does that mean?? 

In other TTC news - a few decisions have been made.

With our first 6 cycles of TTC, we both agreed to stick to the tried & true methods of conception, and those endorsed by my doctor... taking PNVs, temping/charting, and timed intercourse. 

That's all it takes right? 

Hahahaha. Tell that to my uterus. She must have missed the memo.

Now that we are starting Cycle 7, we felt like maybe it was time to start trying some of the lesser-known, highly-debated "methods", such as keeping your butt in the air after sex, drinking green tea until ovulation, taking certain supplements at certain points in your cycle (flax seed oil, red raspberry), taking baby aspirin each day, eating baby carrots, drinking pineapple core smoothies during the LP.. you know, that kind of stuff. 

I won't be partaking in each of the above mentioned "methods" but I will definitely be testing a few theories this time. Probably the pineapple core and baby carrots (I mean, that's still healthy outside of TTC, right?), probably the green tea, maybe the red raspberry supplements.. maybe something else. I don't know. 

I do know, however, that I am tossing out the "drink til its pink" mantra I've lived by the last 7 months. I know it probably doesn't hurt or help or make any difference, but if it makes me feel better, its worth a shot. I hate to think that my little wine habit has played any role in our repeated failures.. but what does it hurt to kick it anyhow? 

And the biggest (and what will prove to be the most difficult) decision - my caffeine consumption has got to get under control. I was told at my preconception appt to seriously limit my caffeine, but I struggled doing so. Then, when the fibroadenoma was discovered, I was told that caffeine is thought to speed up the growth of certain tumors so I really needed to cut back immediately.. but again, I struggled. After the emotional meltdown I had from Wednesday morning through last night, I think I've finally been shaken enough to commit to cutting back and stick to it. I have to. For my health, for my peace of mind, for my phantom baby.

As for the hubby, he's going to try to quit smoking (fiiiiinally) and will not be drinking any alcohol the days leading up to and during our fertile window. He's also promised to not drink much around me during the 2ww.. cuz that would just be torture. ;)

Starting tomorrow - TTC will be like a whole new adventure for us. 

Wish us luck, and if you could explain my high temps the last couple days, I'd appreciate it!

GOOD LUCK TO EVERYONE THIS CYCLE. 

Yes, I yelled it. Cuz I mean it. 

Home SWEET Home!!!

***I wrote this post on Sunday evening, Nov 30.. thought I published it then. Oops.***

I have never been happier to return from a vacation.
This weekend was so long, so hard, and so emotional.
I have typed out several weekend recaps, with all intentions of keeping my summary short and sweet.. but once I start typing, I get way ahead of myself and quickly begin feeling like I've said too much. I don't want to come off sounding like I am complaining about my family, because I truly love my in-laws. I love my niece and nephews, I most often enjoy the time spent with the whole family - but this weekend was just far more than I could handle.
Its hard enough as it is mesh with the in-laws and their family dynamic (which is in stark contrast to the dynamic/atmosphere of my own family), but I normally do a very good job at trying to fit in. This weekend, however, things just didn't seem to work out as well as I had hoped.
On one hand, I dreaded going on this trip after learning of our failed cycle. I really just wanted to curl up into weeping ball and stay in bed until work on Monday morning. 4 days of moping and crying sounded like a weekend well spent to me with the way I felt on Wednesday.
But on the other hand, I was (insanely) optimistic that if I forced myself to follow through with our plans, I would end up having a great time at the beach and would come home feeling refreshed.
Instead, I followed through with our plans and went to the beach, but still wanted to do nothing but curl up into a weeping ball and stay in bed for 4 days.
I can't count how many times I had to sneak out of the room because I couldn't hold back my tears any longer.
I can't count how many times I had to look away just because the sight of my SIL's beautiful pregnant belly made my stomach tie in knots.
I can't count how many times I lost patience with my niece/nephews over the littlest things, at no fault of their own, only because I had no tolerance for life at the time.
I can't count how many times my husband put his arm around me and promised me we'd have our day to celebrate.
And I can't count how many times I apologized to him for making him spend his vacation trying to keep me put together. Or how many times I thanked him for being so supportive and understanding.

Here we were, the whole O family together at the beach.
Everyone was healthy (well almost, FIL was hacking up a lung the whole time, but other than his cold - everyone is in great health).
The weather was beautiful.
We walked along the beach. Built sand castles. Looked for sea shells. Searched for crabs at night.
My husband and I walked to the look-out where he proposed to me exactly 2 years ago.
One night we sat in that look-out and didn't say a word, just enjoyed the night air and the stars in the sky.
One night we sat by the water and talked about everything, our hopes and dreams and favorite memories.
I was able to finish a great book.
You'd think with all these things, I could come home and report that we had a magical weekend.

But my head has been pounding since Friday.
My heart has been aching since Wednesday.
All I can think about it is how hard it was to be down there in a sense mourning another cycle, when all we had hoped to do was celebrate a BFP with the whole family.

Ramblings of an Emotional Nutcase

First things first.... Happy Thanksgiving. Despite the tone this post is sure to take in a few moments, let me say this:

I am truly thankful to be who I am, married to the man I love, living in a beautiful little house we can afford (amen, right?), working with a family that means as much to me (sometimes more) than my own family, living my life along side some of the best friends a girl could ask for.

I am truly truly thankful that I have been guided to this point in my life, and though there are always ways I think my life could improve... what I have now is wonderful. 

BUT, and you knew the BUT was coming, didn't ya??

BUT, I am beginning to believe the universe gets a little bit of pleasure from my pain. 

I don't think the universe hates me.. I've got it pretty good, and I know that, but the universe definitely enjoys mocking me from time to time. 

And I am not saying that because of our BFN this morning (which I will elaborate on later, I'm sure). I feel this way because shit like what I'm about to tell you ALWAYS happens to me. 

So, the twins and I really enjoy our Wednesday morning story time at Barnes & Noble. Its a great reason for us to get out of the house in the mornings, we love the singing and dancing and story-telling, and it always leads to a wonderful nap (read: break for BeckO). 

After story time was over, I stopped in the ladies room on my way out, which just so happens to be located right by the pregnancy/child birth section of the store. So, on my way out of the ladies room, I decided to stop and take a gander. Ya know, just in case there is yet another book on how to get KTFU I may have missed the last time I checked. Nope.. nothing I hadn't seen before. Interesting story so far, huh?

Here's where it gets good... 

Just as I am about to walk away and head for the exit, a scraggly looking girl walks up to the PG section and begins sort of mumbling to herself while looking through a few books. When I say 'scraggly', I basically mean that she looks as if she just came from, or is headed to, a meet-up with her crack dealer. No lie. Raggedy clothes, disheveled hair, fun-ky teeth, can't stand still - the girl was a mess. 

As I walk by she stops me... by grabbing my arm... did you catch that? Grabbing my arm.

Scraggle: What book do you think I should get? I'm 7 wks and my doctor said I should buy a book. I don't know what the hell to do with this baby and these books are so expensive. Damn! Why are they so expensive?

Me: [loooong pause] Well, you may want to try half-priced books if you can't afford these... and I've heard this one [point to WTE] and this one [point to Girlfriend's Guide] are good resources. 

What I am really thinking: Are you FUCKING kidding me??? Don't know what to with this baby? Quittin' the crack might be a good place to start.... and what the hell are you going to do about diapers and food and clothing and other necessities if you can't bring yourself to pay $15 for a book? Seriously? And PLEASE, for the love of all things holy - NEVER touch me again. EVER. Do not touch me. 

Scraggle: Are you serious? You just pointed out the 2 most expensive ones! I said this one was too much.... why are there so many choices anyway? Aren't they all the same?

Me: [loooonger pause] I'm sorry, you really should try half-priced books. Good luck to you.

What I am really thinking: Look bitch, you grabbed my arm and asked my opinion, remember? I gave you my opinion.. don't bitch about it. And why are there so many choices? Oh, I can see just how motherhood is going to suit you! You have to make decisions for/about your children EVERY day... good luck with that! Your poor poor child... 

As I walked away, I really could not believe what had just happened. I mean, really? On the day I see "Not Pregnant" staring back at me at 5am. Was this really appropriate, universe? 

No, it was not. 

I couldn't stop thinking about that encounter the whole way home, and how ironic it is that I spend more each month TRYING TO GET PREGNANT than she was willing to spend on a book to educate herself on her pregnancy, and she clearly needed to be educated.  

WHY? Why does this seemingly crack-addicted, irresponsible, socially inept woman get to experience the joy of motherhood without so much as giving it a thought (which its obvious, she gave it NO thought), while my husband and I spent the better part of our early relationship working towards the ultimate goal of expanding our family, then educated ourselves on the nitty-gritty details of fertility to maximize our chances, and have endured (and I use that term loosely) the terrible roller-coaster of emotions that TTC brings with it for seven long months (six cycles)? WHY? 

Seriously, universe, this one wasn't funny. This time you took the irony game you like to play a little too far. I do not appreciate that encounter, and cannot find any possible way I can benefit from it. Please, universe, no more of that shit. K?

Needless to say, this has been a sucky day.

Truth be told, even though I knew we have only a 20% chance of getting pregnant each cycle and only a 30% chance that (if we do get pregnant) we'd be able to find out this soon - it still hit me like a ton of bricks to pick that test back up and see 2 words instead of 1. I really didn't want that extra word to show up. Not this time. Not after being so excited to be "back in the game". Not after fantasizing about how wonderful it would be to share our good news with the IL's while on TGiving vacation. Not after how much and how hard we prayed to be successful this time. Not after I convinced myself that feeling ovulation pain for the first time just had to be a good sign. Not after I had the conversation with my older sister a few weeks ago where she got so excited about the potential for us to be pregnant together. Not as we approach the holidays and I'll have to buy baby gifts for the million precious kids in our life, all the while wishing I could buy just one thing for our baby.  Not when I have to host my SILs baby shower in less than 2 weeks, and smile through the whole damn thing as if my heart wasn't ripped to a million pieces. 

I just really wanted it to be true this time. 

And I could not, can not, handle the fact that it isn't. 

I cannot keep myself put together, no matter how hard I've tried. 

I know, 10dpo is early. There are many many stories about girls who got BFN's on 10, 11, 12 dpo only to get a BFP a couple days later. I know. 

But really, we have told ourselves every cycle that its just too early. 

Look where that got us.

This is exactly why FF has a long article about the importance of waiting til their recommended test date. It makes perfect sense too - "The emotional toll of repeated negative results is hard to imagine for those who have not experienced it." 

Uh-Huh.

"At the same time, waiting throughout the luteal phase to know the outcome of your cycle can be agony" 

Couldn't have said it better myself. 

"We certainly cannot stress enough the need to wait for a reasonable test date before spending your emotional (and financial) capital on early tests and lab procedures. This is certainly easier said than done. As with most sensitive emotional decisions, it is really up to you to decide what you can withstand. It is really a matter of weighing your desire to know early versus the disappointment, anxiety, and ambiguity that can be associated with seeing negative, or potentially "false" negative results. Keeping in mind that even cycles with perfectly timed intercourse often do not result in pregnancy, it is certainly something where understanding of the situation plays a great role. The FF charting system proposes you a test date in full agreement with the results described above. We recommend as much as possible to actually wait until the test date."

Hmpf.

I can tell you this - I am starting to understand how early testing can be an evil evil thing. 

I mean really, what would it hurt to wait just 4 days later to test? The 2ww practically kills me with anticipation and anxiety every cycle... but my spirit is becoming far too damaged to withstand many more negative tests. Not that AF arriving is much different, but that only happens once a cycle. Lately I have been testing on 10dpo, 11 dpo, 12 dpo... you get the picture. Obviously I've yet to see a positive reading. And that has been h-a-r-d. 

"The emotional toll of repeated negative tests" has peaked. 

Its terrible. 

Early testing is terrible. 

Today is terrible. 

I feel terrible. 

This is going to be an extremely difficult holiday weekend. 

I am supposed to overflowing with gratitude and joy this time of year.. and while I know I have so many things to be thankful for, those things have been temporarily buried beneath the heavy load that was placed on my shoulders this morning at 5:03am.