It's not easy being green.

Its amazing to me how my mood can change at the drop of a hat these days.

And not necessarily amazing in a good way.

I have never been so emotionally unstable.. such a basketcase.

I have become rather irrational, over-reactive, and often times insanely jealous.

None of these really make me proud.. usually just ashamed at myself for letting myself venture into such unattractive territory.

I have such a difficult time keeping myself and my emotions in check.

I have a difficult time keeping things in perspective, and reminding myself that "this too shall pass" or that our day is coming. 

There are so many things weighing on my mind in regards to our journey, and it feels like there are so many decisions to make or steps to take - but really.. there is nothing we can do right now to change where we are or where we are going.

I have concerns over my husband's fertility, and a conversation I am not so patiently waiting for between him and his parents (about a surgery he had in his early childhood). 

I have concerns over my fertility and answers I am not so patiently waiting for about my situation and whether or not choices I made in my past may be coming back to haunt my present. 

I have concerns over my job, and the time I may need to take off work in order to get those answers I am not so patiently waiting for. I have concerns over whether or not I should discuss our situation with my employer so that they may understand why I'm missing work more now than ever before. And if I decide its best to have this conversation, what do I say? How much do I share? Should I keep it short and sweet.. or turn to them for guidance since they too faced a few obstacles in starting their family? I mean, this decision in particular is really weighing on my mind - I think the number of dreams I've had about having this discussion totals 4 at this point. Some with wonderful outcomes and some that didn't turn out quite as well as I would hope. Every time I start to think telling them would be best, I get a horrible pit in my stomach and say to myself 'maybe next week'. 

I want so desperately to feel some forward momentum here, but I don't.

I want to know that we are on the right path to success, to our BFP, but I feel like we are just continuing to do all the same things that have gotten us nowhere (which really is all this journey is, lather rinse repeat)... but I want to know if these 'same things' are all the right things. Is there more to it than this? Something else we could or should be doing? Something standing in our way? 

A week ago I felt confident in my and my husband's short term plan (if we were to get a BFN again this month, he would go in for an SA in Jan and we would go from there), but tonight I had another one of those mini-meltdowns I've sadly become so accustomed to. I just feel like we are walking in circles.

I'm getting dizzy.

I want off this ride. 

I want something to celebrate.

Last Night, I came home to...

1. A pot of homemade chili ready to eat for dinner. 

2. Almost half of our kitchen counter tiled!!! WOOHOO!!! 

I love my husband.

What a wonderful surprise to come home to! I am so excited to finally see progress in the kitchen and thrilled that it will (most likely) be done before my sister comes to stay with us for Christmas. And I'm amazed at how much better the kitchen looks already, even with only part of the countertop tiled. I can't wait until its completed! 

I only have 2 things to say....

1. Surgery is scheduled for Monday 19 January, at noon. 

2. I actually got to shower in our master bathroom this morning, and it. was. wonderful!! 

(Pics of the completed bathroom coming soon.. I fell asleep while they were uploading last night!)

Happy Day. 

Surgery News...

Well, I guess the only real news right now is that the surgery (to remove the adenoma) will be in January. We are waiting for the nurse to call back with the exact day - she has to coordinate the surgeon's schedule with the radiologist's schedule so its not as simple as just picking a day. But how sad is this? She said the surgeon prefers procedures like this to be done on a Friday or a Monday, so I told her anytime after Jan 16th is fine with me. Why? Because I do not want to miss book club this time!! Pathetic, I know. But after the strong reaction I had to this particular book selection, you better believe I will be at that meeting come hell or high water!!
As for the surgery - its outpatient, with general anesthesia. I am terrified of being knocked out, but still would prefer that to the alternative - being awake while they cut open my boob. Yikes.
So apparently, a 'couple hours' before the actual operation, I will be sent to radiology where they will use an ultrasound guide to insert a small wire into the adenoma - and will stick out of my skin. That is a little bothersome.. but they do that so the surgeon knows where to go in. Then I will be taken to pre-op and prepped, and on to surgery. The procedure should only last about 30 minutes, then I'll be in recovery for an hour or so and sent home with another keepsake ice pack and a prescription for pain killers. Sounds easy enough. Recovery time is about 2 weeks, but he said I should be able to return to work after 1 week. No external stitches, no dressings that needed to be changed (after the first dressing comes off at 48 hrs), minimal scarring. I'll be fine.. if I can get past my anxiety about the anesthesia.
I really like this surgeon far more than the first guy we met with. This guy explained every little detail, every risk, every statistic, what he would do if I were a family member, what his job as a physician is (ie, treating the whole patient, mind and body, not just responding to their chart).. he was great. I feel much more confident under his care than I did with the original surgeon.

So, I am very relieved to have made the decision to remove it. I agonized over what to do, but now feel good about the path we're taking.
And in other good news, FF moved my O date up to CD14 - which makes more sense to me, and shows we had much better timing! Yay!!! I am still a little worried that I didn't have EW this time (which is very unusual for me), but we'll just wait and see what happens. Unless I test early, we won't know by Christmas, but there's a chance I'll have the best birthday ever this year! Time will tell.
(FYI - If I do have the best birthday ever this year, my fears over general anesthesia will be for nothing - I'd have to have the surgery under local anesthesia. EEK! But, in that situation, I wouldn't care as much - I'd be having a baby and all would be right in the world!)

I do not approve.

Fertility Friend says I am 3dpo today.
That cannot be true!

I really hope FF is wrong.

Or, on the off chance FF is accurate, I hope I at least have a decent LP - not a weak 11day LP like the last time I O'ed ridiculously early.

I'm really bummed by this calculation.
Want to know why?
1. We thought CD12 would be the opening day of our fertility window, not THE day - so our timing would have been way off this time, with this wacky early O.
2. I have not had any true EWCF this cycle - and I usually have very good, reliable CF.
3. Why did I get a negative OPK on the very day FF says I O'ed??
4. If FF is accurate, and I have my typical 13 day LP - CD1 would be ON CHRISTMAS DAY.
Merry freaking CHRISTMAS, huh?

Of course, I should be thinking positively, right? CD1 won't be on Christmas because we'll get our BFP instead, right?. Except, we have been unable to get our BFP with perfect timing.. so I really don't expect to see one with this crazy early O and sucky-suck timing.

I really (really) hope FF is wrong.

Freakin A!

So, its OPK time once more. Yippee.. more pee sticks.

So, I toss one in my purse this morning, dash to the restroom around 730, so as to relieve myself before I have to "hold it" for 4 hours...

Man, 2 cups of coffee... holding it... not a good idea.

I'm about to explode by noon, which cannot be good for my bladder.

I practically ran to the bathroom as soon as the twins went down for nap... tore open that wrapper... and immediately noticed the stupid stupid test already had 2 lines!!!

What the...?

Obviously its a defective test, but how is that even possible?

There were already lines!

GROSS.. did some First Response factory worker already pee on my stick?

::gag::

Beyond how disgusted I am, I'm pissed.

Now I won't know if I'm surging yet.

Argh.

But, guess what?!?

I'm sooooo excited...

My sister had her NT scan today and everything measured perfectly! They also opted to do a blood test to check for certain genetic anomalies (she has a mentally disabled BIL), so when the blood work comes back they can determine the gender. BUT, the ultrasound tech was pretty sure she some a little something between baby's legs. She printed out a few pics pointing to the area.. and my sister is now convinced she is having a boy. --I can't wait to see the pics!--

YAY!!!

Of course, the lab results will say for sure in a week.. but for now, she's thinking blue.

I'm so excited for her.

Hope everyone is having a happy hump day!

She means well... right?

Shortly after my husband and I started dating, his best friend started dating a girl who quickly became one of my closest friends. We bonded over being "the new girls in town" and had an instant closeness. She has seen Andy and I through everything.. moving in together, our first big fight, losing our puppy, getting engaged, selling our house, stood with us as we married - she (and her boyfriend, A's best friend) have been right along side us through it all. 

So naturally, when A and I were so excited to start TTC, I told her our plans. 

At the time she had a 9 month old son and was about 4 months pregnant with her second. Both babies were "oops" babies.. the first happened when she missed a few BC pills. The second happened when her and J were broken up and not even living under the same roof. At the time, those things did not bother me.  They had a precious, healthy baby boy who I adore, and another healthy baby on the way. That was all that mattered to me, and I was very involved in Little Man's life.. super excited to meet Baby Boy 2. 

When I shared with her that we were going to start trying, she gave me a little shtick about how we should just enjoy our time as newlyweds.. we should just let it happen and not worry about 'trying' .. there would be plenty of time to have a family, we should enjoy our freedom now.. etc. Again, at the time - didn't bother me. 

Fast forward a few months... she came over one day to find me completing an online order for OPKs and HPTs and asked why I would want to spend money TTC when babies would be expensive enough on their own. I didn't know how to react to that.. At this point we had already been hit with 2 failed cycles (which, sadly and naively, we were not at all expecting). All sorts of things ran through my head in response to her, but all I did was nervously laugh it off. That was the first time her words really rubbed me the wrong way. How could she possibly understand what its like to make the decision to try to get pregnant, and not have things go according to plan? I vented about it to Andy, and agreed with him that I just shouldn't discuss the situation with her unless I have to.. because as much as she cares and tries to say the right thing, she just won't ever understand what it feels like to be on this side of things. 

Over the course of the next couple months, she'd ask for updates from time to time and I'd keep my answers short and sweet. Of course I got the obligatory "just relax" type comments from her, but I was (kinda) good at letting them roll of my back. When we had to take a cycle off from trying, she told me that was probably for the better so I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. (If you recall, I had a similar text convo with another friend about that.. it amazes me that anyone would think that would be the right thing to say!!). After she said that to me, I had a little heart-to-heart with her about just how difficult this is, and it isn't as easy as flipping a switch and forgetting about it. I gently let her know that this is a very sensitive and emotional subject, so she should really be careful of what she says and how she says them. 

Well, apparently she missed the point and last night.. I felt like I got kicked in the stomach.

We were on the phone, catching up after a hectic few weeks kept us from talking much. Of course, she asked if we were still trying. I decided I'd just spill it all to her, and if nothing else she'd realize just how heart-breaking this has become and maybe start to realize she should be a little more careful and sensitive with her remarks. I told her everything.. how depressed I've been since the last BFN, how hard the shower was, how frustrating it has become to field questions about it, how worried we are about what the future holds, that we are pursuing further testing in January if we don't get a BFP this month - everything. I told her everything. 

Want to know what she said?

(If you aren't already, take a seat!)

"Man, I wish there was some way we could trade bodies or something.. I'm like a fertility God. I mean, I'm afraid to even have sex with J because I just know we'd end up pregnant again. Haha"

Are you freaking kidding me?????

Seriously? I mean, SERIOUSLY?

I really didn't know what to say.

I don't remember exactly what came out of my mouth next, you know, on account of the shock and awe I was feeling.

I believe I told her that was kind of disturbing and not really all that funny.

She took on a more serious tone and went on to say, "Well, at first I was worried about you guys trying right away, but now you've had time to enjoy married life a little while and got to do all sorts of fun things you wouldn't be able to do with a baby. You were able to fix up your house, and get your new car and tv, you've met lots of great people... now would be a good time for you to get pregnant. Maybe since I'm giving you permission this time, now it will work. Haha. Wouldn't that be funny? I give you my blessing, then you turn up pregnant. That could be my Christmas gift to you."

My response: "That would be a lovely gift, thank you. Well, I just got home, gotta run in and check on the boys, make sure they're not getting into trouble. I'll talk to you later. KBye."

I was absolutely floored.

Floored.

Dumbfounded.

Shot through the heart.

Had to call KA and vent and scream and bitch and whine.

She gave me a little (much needed) tough love, and I felt a little better hanging up with her.. but I still can't quite shake this conversation.

I know she means well. I know she just can't relate.. just can not understand.

I can't fault her for being blissfully ignorant and insanely fertile. 

I don't want to hold this against her, or dwell on how painful it was to hear those things - because I know she was only trying to lighten it up a little... but she really missed the mark.

This is exactly why we have (somewhat subconsciously) alienated ourselves from our friends, our very fertile, clueless friends. I hate having this distance between us and those who we've loved for years and years.. but I cannot handle situations like these. I just can't seem to process them, or let them go.

I still adore her, and the other friends who fall into the "clueless and fertile" category - but to guard my own heart, I feel like until we have good news to share, I'm just going to have to keep them at arm's length. 

And that makes me sad.

Does not make this journey any easier.. and just reinforces that feeling of being in this alone (even though I know I have you wonderful ladies!).

:(

Well, that was fun.

Yesterday was my SIL's first baby shower, for her first child. I co-hosted along with my MIL and my other SIL. Given the circumstances of our current situation TTC, I was really worried about how'd I'd feel when all was said and done. 

In the days leading up to the shower, as I was making the final preparations for our activity, and doing all the grocery shopping, and picking up the guest book frame, I had several conversations with myself about what to expect and how to react. I reminded myself over and over that I am genuinely so happy for her and her husband, and I am so eager to meet his baby boy. I reminded myself that I cannot fault her for her own good fortune (getting pregnant in the days after our wedding - when we wanted to be the ones getting KU!). I reminded myself that she is lucky to not have a clue what kind of pain I am in at this point, and that it would not be fair of me to give her any inclination of it. Everything will be fine. We'll visit with family and friends we don't get to see often, we'll eat some yummy food, perhaps indulge in a glass of wine or a mimosa, we'll oooh and aahh over tiny little clothes and blankets and toys and books... it'll be great. 

And the shower was great. We had an excellent turn-out, delicious food, a chocolate fountain, she got amazing gifts, we made a cute little book for her chalk-full of advice.. it was a lovely shower. 

But was I great? No. Not even a little great. 

I expected to field a question or two about when A and I were planning on having babies. I had already decided to answer, "Oh, one of these days" so as not to give too much info hinting at us TTC, but also not too little that would give them opportunity to bounce back with a follow-up question. What I wasn't expecting, however, was that 2 of A's aunts thought we may already be pregnant.  Here's why... after our TGiving trip to Port A with his immediate family, the plan was to go eat another big meal with his dad's extended family. Everyone went straight to A's uncle's house as they got back into town Sunday afternoon. But that was CD1 for me - which meant I was all kinds of crampy and emotional about the confirmed failure of the previous cycle. Couple that with how overwhelmed I was by the trip to the coast, and I just could not handle the thought of sitting through any more big family functions... so I called my mom to meet us in town to pick me up and A went on to the dinner. He told everyone I woke up with an upset stomach and the 4 hour car ride didn't help matters, so I went home to go to bed. To everyone there, that meant I must be pregnant. Even though A reassured everyone that we are not, apparently nobody believed him.

So, at the shower, I was ambushed by 2 of his aunts. Ok, "ambushed" is a little harsh.. but I believe they thought they had safety in numbers so they double-teamed me! They approached me saying they missed me last week, and they're glad to see I'm feeling better. I agreed, yep, glad to be better. Here's how the rest of the conversation played out:

Aunt1 said something to the effect of, "Was it just that day you were sick, or have you been sick any since then?"

Me: Just that day, thank goodness. It was miserable.

Aunt2: Oh, we thought maybe it wasn't just an upset stomach..

Me: Well, I don't think it was food poisoning or anything, I ate the same thing everyone else did at the coast. Well, aside from the fish.. 

Aunt1: Noo, we meant.. like.. some good news worth sharing..?

Me: What? No. We are not pregnant! Didn't A tell you that? I was just sick...

Aunt1: Well, yeah, he did say that.. but we thought..

Aunt2: .. maybe he wanted you to share the good news, didn't want to steal your thunder?

Me: Well I can assure you that, one, we are not pregnant, and two - if we were, we'd let you know. We wouldn't be secretive about it, and we certainly would come up with better excuses than a stomach ache if we were trying to be. 

Aunt2: (laughing) I'm sorry.. I hope we didn't offend you. 

Me: No, you didn't, don't worry.

But they did. Kinda. 

I mean, they didn't really offend me, but they definitely rubbed salt in a wound they didn't even know existed. I thought I had been doing so well about smiling through the pain of the afternoon, not letting on that my heart was broken - but at that moment, all my courage was sucked away. I thought "41 more minutes.. I can last another 41 more minutes without losing my mind. Then A will be here to pick me up and we'll go have a nice dinner with a grande mexican martini and I'll be fine." 

5 o'clock rolls around.. my husband is not there like he said he would be. I called him at 504 - "Where are you? I have to get out of here.. you said you'd pick me up at 5 and you lied! I knew we should've taken 2 cars!" All he said was "That bad, huh?" but it was enough to deduce me to tears. Luckily, he was on his way, so I was able to make a clean break shortly thereafter. 

What I didn't know at the time was he made plans with friends of ours to meet them for dinner.. I would still get my grande mexican martini - but I would be sipping it a table with our 2 friends and their 2 kids. Yippee. I love these particular friends of ours.. and she is one of the few who we told after the wedding that we'd be TTC. She is amazing about not hounding us with questions or fishing for updates.. just lets me to cry to her about it when I need to. But it had been a couple months since we've seen them, so she couldn't help but ask if we are still trying. I just quickly and quietly said that yes, we're still desperately trying. 

She sat there for a moment before saying that she's been praying for us and she knows it will happen soon.

I was so surprised, and so touched!

This is the first encounter for me (or that I've even heard of) where a fertile myrtle knew the right thing to say at the right time. No lame "relax" advice, no stupid "it will happen when its meant to happen" advice... just encouragement and prayer. I wanted to get up and give her a big hug, but kept my cool. I don't think she even has any idea how much those simple words meant to me. 

So, as hard as it was to sit there with a baby and a toddler after enduring the most painful baby shower that ever was, I was really glad we had dinner with them last night. 

Today is CD9 - and I'm still trying to pull myself out of my gloom-and-doom funk so I can once again return to the Pre-O happy-and-hopeful phase. I'm getting there... 

Thanks, Einstein!

Albert Einstein seems to think that "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result" means one should be considered insane. Insane.

But isn't that what this whole journey is.. doing the same thing(s) over and over [and over and over] again and just praying for a different result? 

Yes, yes.. that is exactly what TTC is.. at least for a lot of women/couples, anyway. 

So, call me insane if you must. I have pretty much self-diagnosed myself as "insane" anyway!  

I started (and nearly finished) reading "The Conception Chronicles" yesterday. I've really enjoyed it so far, and its proven be to very informative on what to expect should we need to "reevaluate" next month.  

I read this part last night and thought how ironic it was that I picked up this book on the very day I blogged about my (not so temporary) insanity with my outburst at my husband, and the day after I whined about the holding pattern! (Thank you universe - for drawing my attention to this book yesterday! Maybe you aren't so bad after all... )

I ear-marked the page to quote it here, tell me if it sounds familiar. (This is from Ch6 "The Angry Ovulator", pg 94)

" There's A New Emotion In Town

By the time you finally hit your fertile window, you are consumed with unfiltered, unabridged anger, and guess who the lucky recipient is to bear the wrath of your rage? That's right, it's the man you swore to love in good times and bad.

Why are you so angry? You're angry because life as you knew it is on hold. You'll get back to volunteering . . . once you get pregnant. You'll refocus at work . . . next month. You'll skip the second glass of wine at dinner . . . just in case. You'll start working out again . . . after the baby comes. All these things make you angry, but most of all, you're angry because you're still not pregnant. Literally, every aspect of your life is affected by your attempts to have a baby while your husband's life goes on as normal. He's working, hitting the gym, enjoying that extra beer and meeting friends for poker. Aside from having a lot more sex, things are basically status quo for him.

Your husband isn't the only one adding to your angst. If one more fertile friend tells you to "just relax and you'll be pregnant in no time," you're going to lose it. You've heard the story over and over, about so-and-so's cousin who was told she could never conceive a child, so she adopted and guess what? Of course, we all know what happened next . . . she got pregnant . . . on her own . . . without even seeing a doctor. Hurray for her! You paste an intrigued look on your face while using every ounce of energy you have left to suppress your primal urge to tackle this woman to the ground and beat the smugness out of her. If you weren't wearing your nice pants, you'd do it. 

You can't wait for this torture to be over. Prayers to God no longer start with hopes for world peace. You've limited your request to one: "Please, please, please, God, let me get pregnant this month." "

A-FREAKING-MEN!

I cannot believe how much those words mirrored my own thoughts from the last few days/weeks/months. That may be the best $12.95 I've ever spent - just to see that I'm not crazy, that I'm not alone in feeling the way I feel a lot of the time... that this is such a natural and common reaction for women who are trying everything they can to get pregnant. I love this book. I love the women who wrote it. 

You should read it if you haven't already. It is so damn relatable, its unreal.

Still struggling...

.. to make it through one day, just one, without breaking down.

Last night I was a lunatic. A crazy person. I completely lost my mind.

Here's what happened, but I'm warning you.. I was crazy. 

My husband is a project manager for a local flooring company, and he has become pretty good friends with his fellow PM's and a few of the higher-up managers. They have pretty regular nights out with the guys, they get together on weekends for games or fights or poker. They all are slightly obsessed with disc golf, so there are several DG outings a month.. you get the point. They're buds.

Yesterday, around lunch, A calls to tell me he's on his way to a "team-building meeting with the managers". I knew that equaled disc golf.. so I got a little irritated and said something to him about just calling it what it is and not making it sound like its more important. And I asked him "what managers?" to see if he meant some of the big-wigs, or just his buds. He meant his buds. Who are managers, but not THE managers. KWIM? 

I may or may not have said it was a stupid game and I could give him a list of more productive things to do with his time. I may or may not have told him to find a real job with real responsibilities. 

As soon as my little tantrum was through, I immediately felt bad and told him to enjoy himself and that I wish I could have a "team-building meeting" every once in a while. 

Soo.. when I got off the phone with him, I took a few deep breaths and tried to convince myself that after such a crap-tastic weekend, he deserves to blow off a little steam. 

4:30 rolls around, haven't heard from A since lunch (which is very unusual) so I call him... still playing disc golf. I got angry again, and told him I couldn't talk to him right now.

I got off work around 6:45.. called him again. STILL PLAYING DISC GOLF. How is that even possible?? 7 HOURS of disc golf? Really? Did they go to every course in a 50 mile radius?? Nope, been at the same place the whole time. What the heck?

Obviously, given the pattern of the day, I got angry again. I lost my mind. Why? I have no freaking idea. I cannot tell you, or even myself, why that made me so angry.. but as I continued to raise my voice at him (God bless him, he just let me have my moment and then asked if I was ok).... anyway, the deeper I got into my rant I said this.. and I honestly did not see it coming.. "I am stuck at work all day everyday, always working overtime with these babies.. I feed them and bathe them and dress them and put them to bed, wake them up.. I am like their mother from the time they wake up until an hour before bedtime. I have to think about babies all day long and be reminded ALL DAY LONG of what we haven't been able to achieve. You go to work and get to fuck around all day, go have fun, forget about all the shit we are going through - I AM GOING THROUGH. You don't have to even give it a second thought, and I have 2 walking breathing crying pooping reminders all day. And it pisses me off!!" 

About that time I broke into tears.. and A just sat there silent. 

Let me make this perfectly clear: I adore these girls and I LOVE MY JOB. I cannot think of a better way to make my living, and I would go to the ends of the earth for these girls. 

But it is hard.

In this situation, it is painful.

Honestly, I am glad my husband has figured out a way to walk through each day with his pain tucked out of sight. I am envious of that, in fact. It helps him cope to wake up and not think about it - and I'm sure it would help me too, I just can't seem to get it off my mind.  I certainly don't wish for him to be as emotionally unstable as I am.. our house is only big enough for one looney! I should have been happy for him the he had such a great distraction from reality yesterday, but instead I was insanely jealous. And I do mean insanely. 

I hate that it has turned me into this person.

I hate that I flipped out at my husband over NOTHING.

I hate that I cry myself to sleep.

I hate that I have virtually lost contact with all my friends.

I hate this feeling of loss and failure and emptiness.

In my husband's defense.. when I got home, he was a saint. He told me he is always thinking about our situation, and hoping and praying things go our way soon.. he just knows that being deeply upset about it everyday won't change anything. At least not for the better. I hope I can learn a thing or two from him about coping with this.