My Own Weekend Update

**Disclaimer: After re-reading this post, I noticed it bounces all over the place, bear with me!**

Its strange to get on here on a Monday morning and not have a baby-related update to post. Strange, and a little sad.

We are still struggling to be at peace with postponing TTC, so we were sure to keep ourselves busy this weekend in hopes of distracting our minds/hearts from the reality of the situation.

And busy we were!

A new Hobby Lobby opened close to our home, so we hit up their Grand Opening 50% Off Just About Everything Sale (our name, not theirs). We went a little crazy and got all sorts of things to finally, officially, decorate our master bedroom and bathroom. I love the way everything turned out, and I love that it finally (after 10 months) looks like a room that belongs to 2 adults, and not an empty, boring jail-cell-esque place. We already had a few key decor elements that we received as gifts for our wedding, but hadn't completed the whole scheme until yesterday. I am very proud of us, and very grateful that Andy was so patient with me throughout the process. Poor guy just wanted to watch a little football, but I was on a mission to get it all done, right then and there.

Yesterday afternoon, being a Sunday, was spent at Andy's parents' home for lunch and a little visiting with the family. His sister is 21 weeks pregnant, and just found out last week she is having a boy (yay!). She was itching to go get her registry started at Babies R Us and invited me and my other SIL along. Of course we went along, but before we even arrived at the store I was already regretting it. Why in the HELL did I think I would be okay walking through a BABY STORE with a woman registering for her first child (who conceived without even TRYING on/very near our wedding date, aka when we started TTC)? Seriously? What in the hell was I thinking??

I would normally be thrilled to tag along on a trip like that, and flattered that she wanted/trusted my opinion on different products - but yesterday was not fun for me. Of course, the question was asked, and all I could say was "We'll be happy when it happens for us, but we aren't focused on that right now." Ugh. I never did understand how risky a question like that could be, until I was on this side of the question mark. I will never again ask anybody about what their baby plans are. Its one thing when someone who I've told about TTC asks, or someone who I know didn't get KU just by looking at their husband - but when 2 fertile turtles who have no idea what its like to want and try and fail at getting pregnant ask me IN A BABY STORE, it makes me want to cry and vomit at the same time. Luckily I didn't do either.. I just lied.

The hubby and I talked about our short-term future yet again last night, and we are going to do our very best to look forward to the Holidays this year, despite the crappy hand we've been dealt. We plan on keeping ourselves very busy until January. Lots of work on the house, remodeling the backyard, getting the new TV Andy has had his eye on, taking a weekend trip just the two of us.. we are determined to enjoy the next 2 1/2 months and SO EXCITED to ring in the New Year that will hopefully hold our happy ending. We are going to help each other not dwell on the unfortunate turn of events of the last month - just do what we gotta do, and move on with a smile. What else is there for us to do, really? We just have to smile.

Conflicting Information....

Just got back from our consultation with the surgeon - and we are now officially dumbfounded.

Fortunately the surgeon's opinion is to leave it alone. Not operate. "Close this chapter and not think about it again."

Sounds good, right?

But when we asked him why, every bit of information he gave us conflicted with everything we were told by my OB, the Radiologist, and Google.

At one point he asked me why I wasn't more excited by his opinion, and I tried to say, without crying, that I was just confused.

'No surgery' is exactly what I wanted to hear last week, and I have been nothing but terrified for the last 10 days - but I want to know WHY he wants to leave it alone, and WHY I really have nothing to worry about. Its hard for me to completely disregard or forget what the 2 other doctors told me, and in separate conversations I might add.

What he was saying just didn't add up to me after everything we learned initially.

I want to be excited about no surgery, but I still have a lot of unanswered questions and concerns.

He examined me this morning but was having a hard time finding the actual adenoma because there is still quite a bit of swelling and bruising in the area from the biopsy.

Right now that plan is to go back in 2 months for another ultrasound, with the surgeon present during the procedure this time.

So, thats at least 2 months before we can TTC again.

At this point we are thinking we will hold off til the new year regardless.

Get through the next ultrasound [hopefully have everything come back with much better results that time] and get through the holidays before we start trying again.

I have yet another appointment with my OB on Oct 23 to address this separate issue that has come up. I will post more info as I gain a better understanding of what's going on.. basically all I know right now is that my pap came back revealing low-grade precancerous cervical cells. They told me not to be alarmed (yeah, okay) and to come in to talk with the dr about what that means and what we can do about it. She said it will likely be something of little concern or something very easy to take care of. Whatever that means.

She, my OB, is the one who put the bug in our ears to consider postponing TTC.

We agree with her notion that now just isn't a good time. There are just too many other things going on right now that need our full-attention.

Hoo-ray.

Like I said before.. when it rains, it pours.

It is absolutely pouring.

I just need to look down at my ankles every once in a while.

Huh? Why?

When I was a junior in HS, I had a friend, Alexis, who commit suicide. Obviously that was a very difficult time for all of us that were close to her - but what we came away with was lesson in coping and in learning to lean on loved ones when times get tough. One thing Alexis always said to others was to remember that "on every life a little rain must fall, but the sun never fades forever." Ironic? Yes. But its true, and her story taught us to ALWAYS remember that, even though she may have lost sight of it.

The sun NEVER fades forever.

When we turned 18, a lot of us went to get tattoos to honor her and remember her - a rain drop on one ankle, and a sun on the other.

I just need to look at my ankles... the sun will return. The rain will let up.

Right now we're in the thick of the storm - but we'll pull through.

Another 2 Blog Day.

I am sad to say that Andy and I are stepping off the TTC train for a while.
We are hoping to only postpone things for 3-6 months, but we will have to play that by ear.

On top of the adenoma situation, we just got word that another (non-life-threatening) medical situation is now unfolding.
Sadly, the combination of the two just doesn't bode well with trying to start our family.
It really is true- when it rains, it POURS.

It literally pains me to say the words.. but now is just not the right time.
It was extremely difficult for us to come to this conclusion, and it wasn't without a lot of heartache, prayers, and tears. But we think this is best right now. Not the easiest, but the best.

We need to focus on other things at the moment but cannot wait for the day when we can start trying once more.

We wish you guys nothing but success as you continue down the TTC road, and hope to keep up with those of you we've grown to love!
Good Luck guys.

Scaling the Mountain....

What a roller coaster I have been on.  

Our little car clicks slowly up to the top of the ride, then before we can blink or grip onto the handle bar - the car comes racing back down the tracks.

Why does it take so long to get to the top - to get to the point where the views are amazing, the anticipation of what comes next is exciting, and you think to yourself that this point in the ride is what makes the adventure worthwhile.... but to come racing back down to the bottom, where your stomach temporarily resides in your throat, you are momentarily overcome by fear and anxiety (if you are me) and you are wishing the ride would just slow the fuck down already so you can regain a normal state of consciousness takes but a few seconds? 

Why is that?

I don't like roller coasters. 

The real ones, or the figurative ones.

I don't like working so hard to ready ourselves for our future family, studying everything I can get my hands on about the process, mentally preparing ourselves for the challenges and the joys that we know we will have to face, implementing all we've learned over 5 heartbreaking cycles.... only to have the universe bring our dreams to a screeching halt over something that was never, even for a second, on our radar. 

We knew it could take a while, we braced ourselves for that.

We knew what kinds of tests might be performed if we took longer than "normal", we braced ourselves for that.

This, however, we were not ready for.

As we all know, based on the last 9 days of me bitching, I have been struggling with how to handle things. How to swallow this reality we've been dealt. How to stay positive. 

Its been hard for me. Thats no lie.

But I think its time for me to shift my perspective, at least a little.

This fucking sucks - can't change that.

But, why have I let myself forget that I am SO BLESSED that the lump was found when it was, for one, and because I am cancer FREE? How did I let myself get so angry about everything, without stopping to realize I am so damn lucky?

Don't get me wrong - when I got the call with the results I hit my knees and praised God for it being benign. I jumped out of my chair and started pacing the house, so excited that we dodged that bullet and immediately called my husband to shout, literally, the good news. I wasn't angry right away. First I was scared out of my flippin' mind, then relieved. Anger was 3rd in line.

For the first day or so I was beyond relieved that I didn't hear the C-word and I was pretty positive about the situation. I had it my head that we would have the surgery ASAP, get it all taken care of, then be back on the road to baby-making. 

But as the pain in my boob subsided I let negativity take over. I let myself get pissed at the situation, question why we deserved this kind of obstacle, and just feel bad for myself.

I think it helped me cope, for a while anyway, to be angry.

But I don't like being in a bad mood all the time.

I don't like it when negative thoughts are so prevalent (I seriously just typed that like 6 times to spell it right GEEZ).. ok wait, back to what I was saying - I don't like it when the negativity in my mind outweighs the happiness. I don't like having to fake a smile or muddle through a conversation when all I want to do is go home and curl into a weeping mess on the couch. 

I want to be done feeling this way.

I want to keep my eyes on the prize (thanks K).

I want to walk into that consultation tomorrow with confidence and hope, get the surgery on the calendar and then ENJOY this month "off" (maybe two, but hopefully just this one) with my husband. 

I do NOT want to wake up everyday and cry about taking my temperature.

I do NOT want to feel like any non-baby-making-BD is a chore, or too depressing. 

I want to do something AWESOME this month with my wonderful husband (preferably before my booby is violated, so I can enjoy whatever it is we do in all its awesome-glory).

I want to KNOW that everything is okay... I am still convincing myself of this, but I'll get there. Eventually.

I still don't understand WHY, and may not ever... but I want to know (and believe) that we will get past this, and be in an even better position to start our family than we have been for the last 5 months. Mommy needs to be healthy, ya know.

Right now - I'm still a bit ticked. A bit selfish. Confused.

But I WANT to feel better.

I need to work on feeling better. That's my goal.

I want to get the hell out of this valley, I'm ready for the peak.

I'm sick of being dark and gloomy. I want to laugh more. Have more fun. Be happier.

I think the hubby wants these things too - I haven't really been a peach lately, as I'm sure you could guess.

Its time to scale the mountain.

Our consult with the surgeon is at 10am tomorrow. 

I am scared shitless, shitless I tell you, of being knocked out.

Please keep good thoughts for us as we ask our questions and gather the information we need before the surgery. I want to be at more peace with this and not fear for my dang life! 

Cycle Day Numero Uno

Why? Why? What is going on??

Usually I have 28-29 day cycles with O on 15ish followed by a good, strong 13-14 day LP. 

I like my longer LP's.. they make me feel confident in my body's ability to let implantation do its thing.  Ever since AF came a-knockin' this morning, I've done nothing but worry about the length of my LP.

I am finding conflicting information on what defines a "short luteal phase" but most sources seem to say 10 day LPs are where one should be concerned. Mine was 11. So I shouldn't be worried. 

Right?

Oh, but I am!

There have been a few sources that have said anything consistently under 12 days should be addressed with your doctor. Lucky for me, this hasn't been consistent - its just this once. 

I have decided, however, that I need to suck it up and chart this cycle even though that makes me so incredibly frustrated and sad just thinking about it. I want, scratch that.. I NEED to know that my LP is okay, and the only way to be sure of that is to chart and pinpoint ovulation.

How's that for torture?

I get to see on paper/computer when my body will be gearing up for baby, and I have to just ignore it. Ignore it. I don't get to do anything about it. 

As much as I was disappointed after our very first BFN, and as much as that disappointment has exponentially grown with each BFN since, I always look forward to CD 8ish-CD16ish.  I always get all giddy when I see my fertility signs starting to line up, and I get so excited to see that positive OPK or that green light, or little egg symbol. That's so fun for me!! I certainly won't miss it when our day comes, but I can tell you in all honesty that it will KILL ME to see all those things laid out in front of me, and have to just ignore them.

Thats not fair. 

When am I going to be done whining? I'm annoying myself with all this complaining and pity-party crap... but I can't seem to stop myself. 

So let me continue...

I knew my cycle would be shorter this time since I Oed so early, but I really hoped that it wouldn't. Having a few extra days in Cycle 5 would have put off Cycle 6 that much longer... which would have been awesome for 2 reasons.

One - I wouldn't have to worry about "avoiding" so soon. 

And two - it would buy us just a few more days' time to get the surgery/recovery behind us. 

Now we are here... Cycle 6. We have (if I disregard this wonky cycle and go based on my norm) about 4 weeks to meet the surgeon (which is Friday), schedule the surgery, and recover enough to get a green light from the dr. 

4 weeks. Thats not that long. 

I am so afraid that we will have to miss more than one cycle that I've physically made myself ill. I don't think the criteria will be all that strict as far as the OB's green light is concerned. What worries me is that after the biopsy, simply putting on a tank top sans bra (I know, gross) hurt. Any kind of pressure on the incision, or anything that could rub it wrong was painful. BDing has certainly not been on my mind with all the sensitivity lately.

It took until last night (8th night after) for me to even be comfortable enough to sleep or shower without it bandaged. And that side (not just the incision) is still pretty tender, even today. So I can only imagine how much worse it may be after the full surgery. Even if I get the OK from the doc to start TTC again, it may take even longer for me to physically feel up to any kind of BD.  

I hope not. But I worry.

Seems like all I do lately is worry.

And cry.

And I don't like it.

Starbucks Update:

Ordered 1/2 caff again this morning (GO ME!), but the barista is one that knows me and my drink too well, and out of habit he made it full strength. He offered to make a new one, but I couldn't accept his offer. I happily walked out of the door with my full-strength coffee and told myself I deserved it. It wasn't my fault.. I ordered what I was supposed to. The universe must have wanted me to drink a fully-caffeinated beverage today. 

I guess the universe loves me a little after all. 

You can feel bad if it makes you feel better.

Patty Loveless told me that today.

Okay, so she didn't tell me, her song from 13 years ago did.

And yes, I realize I am taking that line waaay out of context.

I don't care.

I can feel bad if it makes me feel better.

I am not as emotional today.

Not near as many tears. Thank goodness.

I think I was scaring the twins all day yesterday.

They were sweet as can be, trying to cuddle me and kiss me. 

I love those girls.

I am still angry though.

And frustrated. Anxious. Scared. Eager. A little sad. And confused. And let down.

But the good news is the consultation is scheduled for 10am Friday morning.

Hooray Progress.

And I had a half-caff coffee again this morning. Second day in a row.

That seriously deserves a medal, or a prize, or in the very least a pat on the back.

 

Sucky Suck, Part 2

Ok, I'm really struggling.

Today's BFN is the worst of the worst, not a blessing. I have been an absolute basket case ALL DAMN DAY.

No matter how many times I've repeated it to myself, both in my mind actually ALOUD [yes, on days like today, I DO talk to myself... what's wrong?], it is NOT a blessing.

Let me tell you why.

Because where we go from here is unknown.

I mean, not in the long-term - we know what our future holds, and that is a family. No matter how things shake out, we will have a family.

But in the short term, everything is up in the air. 

I do NOT like not knowing what to expect around the bend - I never have. I am not a spontaneous fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants, take it day by day type of person. I am a planner. Just ask my husband how I handled being virtually homeless for 3 months (our house sold within 2 weeks of listing it and we hadn't so much as looked online for a new one!!!).  I like to know what to expect, I like the comfort of a routine and familiarity. I won't even stop at a gas station I've never been to before if I am alone and my car is breaking down because I have no fuel... I'll break down, lock my doors, and call my husband to bring me gas before I go somewhere new alone. That has never happened though, because I fear it so much that I never let my tank drop below 1/4. Thats right - I DO NOT LIKE THE UNKNOWN. I loathe it, I fear it... its an awful trait of mine, I know.. but still. It terrifies me.

The reality I have had to learn while TTC is that I can't simply PLAN when we will get pregnant. It has taken me some time to learn and accept that, but I have made great strides in that arena. However, we could plan to TRY to get pregnant. And with all the uncertainty in trying, charting gave me something I could focus on and help me feel like I am at least a little bit in control of this crazy adventure. 

But now our timeline rests in someone else's hands - right now the stupid stupid Referral Coordinator has ownership of our situation. From there, our timeline will be passed on to the Surgeon's hands before it ultimately lands in my OB's hands while I wait for her TTC green light once more. 

Its hard for me to relinquish that control. 

Really hard.

I do not like this red light.

Every BFN has been like a kick in the gut, a slap in the face, a dagger in the heart - whatever you want to call it, they have all been emotionally and physically painful.

But this one is worse because we can't just mourn the loss of another cycle, pull ourselves up by our boot straps and get ready to try again.

Now we just wait. 

We don't get to try again in a couple weeks.

In fact, instead of that wonderful week of BD with my amazing husband, I'll likely be getting knocked out, cut open, jacked with, stitched back up and sent home with another fucking ice pack.

This BFN was so not a blessing.

Screw the stupid Law of Attraction.

Screw the silver lining - there is nothing positive or fun about this. 

Yes, if we were to have been successful this cycle, we would have had to worry about and closely monitor the adenoma - but it wouldn't have been a life and death issue... and we would have a baby to think about and be excited for to distract us from the extra ultrasounds and such. 

I would have preferred that scenario over this one..... 

But my husband, my sweet, logical, sensible, down-to-earth, not psychotic like me husband, thinks it would be best to follow doctor's orders at this point and not get KU. He thinks (and somewhere in the tiny little logical part of my brain that is buried underneath all my bitterness at the moment, there's a part of me that agrees) in the long run, this is better. 

Only right now, it isn't better.

Ask me in the long run if hindsight is 20/20 and I may have a better opinion of all this - but right now... in this moment... this is not better.

Chalk my last post up to wishful thinking - I thought typing the words would convince me. 

The words lied. 

This is not a blessing. 

Sorry.

Guess I'm officially one of those bitter TTC gals I always said I wouldn't become.

But, I did have my first half-caff coffee in OVER FIVE YEARS this morning.

Thats a huge accomplishment for me. 

Huge. 

Nope

BFN.

It sucks.

Even though I know I should be positive about it in light of recent events.

Even though I told myself I would not try to rationalize or make excuses this time.

Even though I know this just puts us one step closer to our day to shine.

It still sucks.

We had PERFECT timing this time.

I had AWESOME-quality CF.

I had a green-light, all systems go message from the OB.

It should have worked. 

But didn't.

And it sucks.

When I saw the words "not pregnant" pop up on the screen I immediately started rationalizing by telling myself that yes, it is 10 dpo today... however, I Oed early this month (at CD12) so I am still anywhere from 7 to 9 days before AF should arrive - according to my typical cycle length. So, perhaps it really is just too early to test (even though I have said that with every other BFN and so far, I am 0-5 on the 'testing too early' excuse).

My husband, bless him, was very kind this morning - trying to comfort me and remind me that this is probably best this time (this one and ONLY time).

So thats what I'm trying to focus on - we need the time to sort out the surgery situation.

This is a blessing. 

Ha - a blessing. That's funny. 

No, wait - I'm supposed to be positive. Its a blessing, its okay, this time... its ok. 

What is NOT ok is that I still haven't heard from the Referral Coordinator at the hospital who is supposed to get me in touch with my surgeon. Doesn't she know we have been trying to get pregnant for 5 months and do NOT want to have to avoid for more than one cycle? Doesn't she know that this non-life-threatening lump in my boob [as opposed to what other potentially life-threatening situations may be on her list ahead of us] is getting in the way of what we have wanted and hoped for and tried our damnedest (wow, I've never had to write/type that word before, how the heck do you spell it??) to get?? Doesn't she know I only have about 4 1/2 weeks to meet the surgeon, schedule the surgery and fully recover from this?? CALL ME!!! I really want to get this ball rolling, lady (or man, but in my head - you're a lady).... please, we really don't want to put off our baby dreams that long.  I don't know if I would be able to handle not trying for more than one cycle. 

Please... pretty please.. just call me. 

HAPPY NEWS:

Our friends J & C (the preggo in the photos below) welcomed their second son, Jamison, to the world at 1045pm Friday night. He was 19 1/2 inches long, 8lbs 3 oz and gorgeous. He arrived very quickly and med-free (go C!) - but the med-free part was only because they barely made it to the hospital in time and it was too late to worry about epidurals or pain meds. However, C said the med-free birth was a much better experience than the epi with her first son, and should she have any more children, thats the route she'll go again. Au naturale. Good for her! 

And welcome baby J... we've been waiting to meet you!! 

Testing tomorrow...

and I've never been this anxious about it, and this conflicted.
On one hand, I wouldn't be surprised if we were pregnant this go-round, aside from the obvious explanation that we were trying to get KU, but because I think that is the kind of evil sense of humor the universe has sometimes.
Don't get me wrong - we would be ELATED should we be blessed so much - absolutely over-the-moon, jump up and down ELATED.
But now that I have this added concern going on with my ta-ta's, I think it would be a "just my luck" sort of situation if this was our time.
Now, I do realize that chances are this fibroadenoma has been floating around in there for a lot longer than we have been TTC.... but knowing about it now, and wanting to get it the heck out of there, this would be the ONE cycle I would okay with not being successful. I would still be sad, it would hurt just as much as all the other BFN's we've received - but I would have a real, concrete reason to be positive about it. It would give us the chance to gey my body in tip-top shape before pregnancy, and I would be okay with that.

So, every other month before this I was (perhaps selfishly) asking for everyone to hope for our BFP and think good thoughts for us --- and this time around, I have no idea what to hope for myself.

HOORAY!!!!

BENIGN.

Benign. Hooray Benign.

I got the call Wednesday afternoon that said everything looked good. I repeated "good?" and the nurse said, "Well, as good as a tumor can look I suppose. It's not cancerous. That is good, isn't it?"

UM HELL YEAH its good. It's great!!!!

What a relief. 

But she did say that my doctor would be calling me a little later to answer any questions and explain what needs to happen next. And she did call later - and explained that ultimately the decision is up to me and my husband but her recommendation is to have the tumor surgically removed before we get pregnant.

Well, in theory - yes that sounds like an excellent plan.

In reality, I may be pregnant right now.

May not, but we had pretty perfect timing this month so we most certainly MAY be.

I am 7dpo (thanks babs, I just said that as 'post op' in my head!) today and I'm sure you can all understand why I WILL definitely be testing early this month.

As soon as we know whether or not we are pregnant, we will devise our game plan.

We will either jump up and down thanking God that we were able to get pregnant in 5 short (read: long) months, proceed to shout it from a mountaintop (read: tell my nesties), then call my doctor to figure out how often I need to have breast ultrasounds done during the pregnancy. 

OR... we will sulk for a bit while reminding ourself that it has only been 5 short-long months and in this particular situation it is probably best (medically, not emotionally) that we are being given an opportunity to rid my body of all evil before it tries to grow another human. Then call my doctor to set up the consultation with my surgeon.

Instead of looking at this as an evil catch-22, my wonderful nestie friends told me last night to look at it as a win-win situation. We will either get this baby we have wanted for months and months and months, or I will be able to remove this thing that has decided to throw a wrench in our plans. Both are wonderful. Neither is a dead-end. I should be happy regardless of the outcome this month.

What an odd contradiction.

This time about 1-2 weeks ago, we had serious baby-making on the brain.

Everything I ate, thought, said, did - everything revolved on when we had our window of opportunity and all our plans centered around getting home to get down to business. 

It feels so unnatural now to not know what we hope for more - that second pink line, or the chance to put this surgery behind us. 

I don't like this conflicting emotions.

Anywho, thank you to all of you who lent me support via your kind words and encouragement and good thoughts/prayers. It meant so much to see such an outpouring of love, and apparently there really is something to this 'nestie dust' I hear so much about!!!

Yay, no cancer!!!!

Isn't that AWESOME?!?

PS - My boob is not a pretty sight these days - and it hurts.

Wonder what it will look like after a nearly 3 cm chunk is taken out???