Cycle Day Numero Uno

Why? Why? What is going on??

Usually I have 28-29 day cycles with O on 15ish followed by a good, strong 13-14 day LP. 

I like my longer LP's.. they make me feel confident in my body's ability to let implantation do its thing.  Ever since AF came a-knockin' this morning, I've done nothing but worry about the length of my LP.

I am finding conflicting information on what defines a "short luteal phase" but most sources seem to say 10 day LPs are where one should be concerned. Mine was 11. So I shouldn't be worried. 

Right?

Oh, but I am!

There have been a few sources that have said anything consistently under 12 days should be addressed with your doctor. Lucky for me, this hasn't been consistent - its just this once. 

I have decided, however, that I need to suck it up and chart this cycle even though that makes me so incredibly frustrated and sad just thinking about it. I want, scratch that.. I NEED to know that my LP is okay, and the only way to be sure of that is to chart and pinpoint ovulation.

How's that for torture?

I get to see on paper/computer when my body will be gearing up for baby, and I have to just ignore it. Ignore it. I don't get to do anything about it. 

As much as I was disappointed after our very first BFN, and as much as that disappointment has exponentially grown with each BFN since, I always look forward to CD 8ish-CD16ish.  I always get all giddy when I see my fertility signs starting to line up, and I get so excited to see that positive OPK or that green light, or little egg symbol. That's so fun for me!! I certainly won't miss it when our day comes, but I can tell you in all honesty that it will KILL ME to see all those things laid out in front of me, and have to just ignore them.

Thats not fair. 

When am I going to be done whining? I'm annoying myself with all this complaining and pity-party crap... but I can't seem to stop myself. 

So let me continue...

I knew my cycle would be shorter this time since I Oed so early, but I really hoped that it wouldn't. Having a few extra days in Cycle 5 would have put off Cycle 6 that much longer... which would have been awesome for 2 reasons.

One - I wouldn't have to worry about "avoiding" so soon. 

And two - it would buy us just a few more days' time to get the surgery/recovery behind us. 

Now we are here... Cycle 6. We have (if I disregard this wonky cycle and go based on my norm) about 4 weeks to meet the surgeon (which is Friday), schedule the surgery, and recover enough to get a green light from the dr. 

4 weeks. Thats not that long. 

I am so afraid that we will have to miss more than one cycle that I've physically made myself ill. I don't think the criteria will be all that strict as far as the OB's green light is concerned. What worries me is that after the biopsy, simply putting on a tank top sans bra (I know, gross) hurt. Any kind of pressure on the incision, or anything that could rub it wrong was painful. BDing has certainly not been on my mind with all the sensitivity lately.

It took until last night (8th night after) for me to even be comfortable enough to sleep or shower without it bandaged. And that side (not just the incision) is still pretty tender, even today. So I can only imagine how much worse it may be after the full surgery. Even if I get the OK from the doc to start TTC again, it may take even longer for me to physically feel up to any kind of BD.  

I hope not. But I worry.

Seems like all I do lately is worry.

And cry.

And I don't like it.

Starbucks Update:

Ordered 1/2 caff again this morning (GO ME!), but the barista is one that knows me and my drink too well, and out of habit he made it full strength. He offered to make a new one, but I couldn't accept his offer. I happily walked out of the door with my full-strength coffee and told myself I deserved it. It wasn't my fault.. I ordered what I was supposed to. The universe must have wanted me to drink a fully-caffeinated beverage today. 

I guess the universe loves me a little after all.