Anxiously Waiting...

Yesterday morning was my breast ultrasound.
Andy and I had to be at the hospital at 8am to register, and my appointment was at 830.
We went to Starbucks (where I ordered a grande instead of a venti to start weaning myself off caffeine) and headed up to the new hospital.
We went to the registration desk and the lady called us back into a tiny room to get all the insurance/release forms filled out. She asked for me license, my insurance card, and the referral form from my doctor.
CRAP! I knew I needed to bring the referral with me, and I set it right under my purse on the dining room table for that very reason. Yet I still managed to pick up my purse and head out the door without it.
My dear husband had to rush home to get it.
While he was gone the lady asked me if anyone had talked to me about our $2000 deductible. I told her nobody mentioned it and asked if we were having to pay out of pocket for today's visit. She wasn't sure so she spent a good deal of time on the phone with my insurance company, all the while I was sitting there shaking in my boots - out of fear of the visit itself and worry that we don't have that kind of money just lying around.
She was cracking me up though - apparently the person she was talking to said his name was Sean but she didn't believe him because he had a thick Indian accent, which she kept speaking in every time she was on hold. It was pretty funny, and I appreciated her making me laugh.
Andy returned with my referral, and then I was given a couple release forms to sign. One asked if the staff was allowed to disclose basic information on me and my condition should I need to be taken into care. Um... yeah, sure.. but what exactly are we talking about here? I'm just getting an ultrasound, how much could really go wrong?
Everything was filled out and signed, I was admitted to the hospital for the day and given a wrist band, then sent up to outpatient clinical services.
We checked in there and when the receptionist read my form she asked if we were related to the O family in Liberty Hill. Yes as a matter of fact we are, why do you ask? Well, my husband's family is pretty well-known in that area, and one reason is their involvement in the annual BBQ cook-off. This woman's family also participates in the cook-off. Small world.
Sitting in that waiting room was so nerve wracking. In the maybe 10 minutes we waited, I think I got up to pee like 4 times. Nervous bladder I suppose.
They called me back, took me to my room, and I changed into the lovely open-front gown.
My nurse/tech (whatever she was) was awesome. She was so nice, and so patient with me, explaining every little thing and telling me different stories to distract me from the anxiety over the situation.
My doctor had requested bilateral ultrasound (both breasts) because she definitely felt a lump in my left breast and wasn't certain about my right.
We started with my right, and it was all clear. Thank God.
While she was scanning she was explaining how some people have dense breasts, some people have more fatty tissue. She was explaining that as you age, or after breastfeeding, breasts can become more fatty. My husband, God love him, thought she said I had "nice" breasts (she said dense, honey, dense)... and he commented "See babe, you do have nice breasts." I started laughing and the nurse looked at me and said "What did he say?" hahaha.. "Nothing, its not even worth repeating."
When I explained to him later what she was actually saying, he was so embarassed!!!
Anyway - back to the boobies.
As she was scanning the left side, I could see the mass on the screen but was waiting for her to say something. After a couple seconds my husband asked.. and she confirmed that yes, that was the lump. It looked huge on the screen but she assured me it was magnified. I remember being told that if it was fluid-filled it was just a cyst and would be nothing to worry about. I could see grey matter in the mass, so I asked if it was solid.
She said yes. My heart sunk.
She took a series of pictures then took the films to the doctor.
The doctor came in an explained that he thought it was a fibroadenoma (benign tumor), but an ultrasound cannot distinguish between that or a Pyllodes Tumor (often benign, sometimes malignant). He didn't believe it was a PT, but given the size of mine (borderline "large") and that it was newly felt, he wanted to either biopsy or go straight to surgical removal.
He was aware that we are TTC and explained that sometime pregnancy makes adenomas/tumors grow more rapidly, where as normally adenomas are slow-growing. Pyllodes grow much more quickly, regardless of pregnancy.
He kept saying "..but I don't expect this to be a phyllodes, we just need to be sure of that." Well, Mister, if you don't expect it to be, then quit saying the word!!
I was basically in complete shock at that point.... I just sat there on the bed. He asked me what I wanted to do next and I told him I had no clue. Thats when I lost it and started crying... so the doctor said we should just start with a biopsy since I was experiencing so much anxiety already.
We were told to come back up to hospital at 1230 for that procedure.
As soon as we got back in the car I lost it again.
I called my mom and she calmed my nerves a bit.. but this whole thing was just never anything I imagined having to go through, especially at 23 freaking years old.
I spent the next couple hours at home, trying to busy my mind by making cards, reading a book, watching mindless television, etc.

Fast forward to 1230 -
Back up at the hospital, wearing another gown, sitting in the same room as the ultrasound.
I had my nice nurse again, and this time another nurse as well.
They did another ultrasound to take some different pictures, and to mark where the lump was.
The doctor came in and explained the risk (bleeding, infection) and explained the procedure.
He didn't show me any of the needles, but he did demonstrate the sound the core needle made when it was "grabbing" a sample.
It was a LOUD clicking sound, much like that of an electric stapler. Not okay.
He numbed the area with lidocaine and then began.
I could feel the pressure of the needle going in, and could feel him moving it around. He assured me that the shaking was not his trembling hand, he had to shake it at a little to get the needle into the mass because it was solid. The procedure was ultrasound-guided, but I did not want to look at the screen. He said "That white line there, thats the needle.." and I asked him to please not talk about it and I did not want to see it. I stared at the nurse's ties on her pants the whole time - because thats all I could see without looking up.
The first sample took the longest to get... but probably only 2-3 minutes. The second one was more difficult, but done quicker. For that one and the last one, the other nurse had to push down on my breast to hold the mass in place, and that was the only part of the procedure that was actually painful. For each sample he would count to 3 and then "grab"... he would get to about 2 and I would hold my breath and close my eyes - but the bark was worse than the bite. I could feel a quick tug, but the sound made it seem so much worse than it really was. They should really work on that.. making a quieter needle.
Once everything was finished they bandaged it up with a steri-strip instead of stitches (apparently there was a small incision...?) and placed second-skin over it.
The doctor came back to tell me results can take up to 48 hours and my doctor will call me to discuss what happens next.
They gave me an ice pack and sent me on my way.
At that point the area was still numb, so I went ahead and dosed up on Tylenol.
Didn't do much - as soon as the numbness began to wear off I could feel how sore it was.
Sometimes it just felt like an overworked muscle, sometimes it itched, sometimes it felt hot.
None of the sensations were pleasant.

I tried to get some sleep throughout the afternoon, but it was really difficult to find a comfortable position. I always sleep on my left side - so naturally I wanted to turn that way, but I couldn't.
Andy woke me up at 4 because he knows I love Oprah - and guess what it was about? Breast cancer. Nice.
Cried the whole way through that show, even though my doctor and the radiologist are "99% sure the mass is benign".
I barely ate dinner, then passed out propped up in bed with the ice pack rigged up next to me.
My mom came by about 8ish to check the incision (I was worried about the bleeding) but she thought it still looked good.

Tossed and turned all night long, and woke up this morning for work.
I woke up super congested and with a pounding headache but hopped in the shower anyway.
While I was shampooing my hair I began to feel light-headed so I bent over a bit, then got sick to my stomach.
Where the heck did that come from??
Tried to rinse my hair then crawled back in to bed, dripping wet.
I texted my boss to let them know I would not make it in and I felt TERRIBLE for missing a second day of work after they gave me a 4 day weekend.
But I guess bad news never has good timing.

So now here I am, wearing a blood stained shirt (because it still seems to be bleeding off and on), sitting at the computer. I am exhuasted, but can't sleep. I am hungry, but nauseous (how is that even possible). And I am dying to get the phone call with the results.
So much for a whine-free week.

On the TTC front, we are 5dpo but not getting our hopes up this time.
Who knows what this stress is doing to my body.