Sucky Suck, Part 2

Ok, I'm really struggling.

Today's BFN is the worst of the worst, not a blessing. I have been an absolute basket case ALL DAMN DAY.

No matter how many times I've repeated it to myself, both in my mind actually ALOUD [yes, on days like today, I DO talk to myself... what's wrong?], it is NOT a blessing.

Let me tell you why.

Because where we go from here is unknown.

I mean, not in the long-term - we know what our future holds, and that is a family. No matter how things shake out, we will have a family.

But in the short term, everything is up in the air. 

I do NOT like not knowing what to expect around the bend - I never have. I am not a spontaneous fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants, take it day by day type of person. I am a planner. Just ask my husband how I handled being virtually homeless for 3 months (our house sold within 2 weeks of listing it and we hadn't so much as looked online for a new one!!!).  I like to know what to expect, I like the comfort of a routine and familiarity. I won't even stop at a gas station I've never been to before if I am alone and my car is breaking down because I have no fuel... I'll break down, lock my doors, and call my husband to bring me gas before I go somewhere new alone. That has never happened though, because I fear it so much that I never let my tank drop below 1/4. Thats right - I DO NOT LIKE THE UNKNOWN. I loathe it, I fear it... its an awful trait of mine, I know.. but still. It terrifies me.

The reality I have had to learn while TTC is that I can't simply PLAN when we will get pregnant. It has taken me some time to learn and accept that, but I have made great strides in that arena. However, we could plan to TRY to get pregnant. And with all the uncertainty in trying, charting gave me something I could focus on and help me feel like I am at least a little bit in control of this crazy adventure. 

But now our timeline rests in someone else's hands - right now the stupid stupid Referral Coordinator has ownership of our situation. From there, our timeline will be passed on to the Surgeon's hands before it ultimately lands in my OB's hands while I wait for her TTC green light once more. 

Its hard for me to relinquish that control. 

Really hard.

I do not like this red light.

Every BFN has been like a kick in the gut, a slap in the face, a dagger in the heart - whatever you want to call it, they have all been emotionally and physically painful.

But this one is worse because we can't just mourn the loss of another cycle, pull ourselves up by our boot straps and get ready to try again.

Now we just wait. 

We don't get to try again in a couple weeks.

In fact, instead of that wonderful week of BD with my amazing husband, I'll likely be getting knocked out, cut open, jacked with, stitched back up and sent home with another fucking ice pack.

This BFN was so not a blessing.

Screw the stupid Law of Attraction.

Screw the silver lining - there is nothing positive or fun about this. 

Yes, if we were to have been successful this cycle, we would have had to worry about and closely monitor the adenoma - but it wouldn't have been a life and death issue... and we would have a baby to think about and be excited for to distract us from the extra ultrasounds and such. 

I would have preferred that scenario over this one..... 

But my husband, my sweet, logical, sensible, down-to-earth, not psychotic like me husband, thinks it would be best to follow doctor's orders at this point and not get KU. He thinks (and somewhere in the tiny little logical part of my brain that is buried underneath all my bitterness at the moment, there's a part of me that agrees) in the long run, this is better. 

Only right now, it isn't better.

Ask me in the long run if hindsight is 20/20 and I may have a better opinion of all this - but right now... in this moment... this is not better.

Chalk my last post up to wishful thinking - I thought typing the words would convince me. 

The words lied. 

This is not a blessing. 

Sorry.

Guess I'm officially one of those bitter TTC gals I always said I wouldn't become.

But, I did have my first half-caff coffee in OVER FIVE YEARS this morning.

Thats a huge accomplishment for me. 

Huge.