Ugh

This is a transcript of a convo I had with a friend this morning via text.

She has been a very dear friend of mine for many years, and knows we've been TTC and is also aware of our current medical situation - though she seemed aloof when I called to cry to her about last week, so how much she knows is sort of unknown. She is someone I have leaned on for years, and vise versa... so this conversation was a complete shock to me.

(Until this text, we hadn't spoken since last Friday - the call where she seemed unusually detached even though I called her crying)

Her: I have a friend in need of the morning after pill. Are they free at Planned Parenthood? Does Walgreen's sell them?

Um, are you freaking kidding me? Of all the people you could ask, including GOOGLE, you just HAD to ask ME?!?! Knowing we tried for 5 unsuccessful months to get pregnant and are now basically on a forced hiatus??? SERIOUSLY???

Me: I think you need a prescription at Walgreen's but IDK. She should probably call her obgyn or just go to PP.

[while I was typing my reply....]

Her: How are you doing? Surgery Scheduled?

Don't you think it would have been nice to ask how I'm doing BEFORE you slap me in the face with a question like that. AND, I told you on Friday what the surgeon said.... didn't I?

Me: No surgery scheduled. Close monitoring for 8 weeks. Ultrasound December 16.

Her: Can you still try to get pregnant, or no?

Me: No, because of the tumor and the cervical situation. I have a colpo next Thursday and we'll know more then. We've had to postpone baby plans til at least the New Year.

Her: Well, thats okay. You guys needed a break from the stress each month. You should make sure you're healthy first.

Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME??? Needed a BREAK from the STRESS??? You think trying so hard for something you so desperately want for FIVE MONTHS and not getting it right, then being told to STOP TRYING is a BREAK???? You've got to be kidding me?? A break. HAHAHAHA... if only I'd realized sooner, this is just a break from stress. No stress here - not at all worried about my boob or my cervix, no biggie. Just a break. Thats all this is. Sure is a nice one too, so relaxing. Just a breath of fucking fresh air... thats what this is.

Me: Actually, postponing our plans has been nothing but heartbreaking for both us, certainly not a break from any stress. Especially since 2 medical issues have been added to the mix.

Her: I understand. I hope everything goes well for you.

Oh, you do??

I forgot you must understand what its like.... wait, but how could you?

You got knocked up at 18 (note: I love her daughter and she's an amazing mother) and then again this time without even trying. You must understand what its like to plan for and WAIT to start trying to get pregnant... to be so excited that your pre-baby goals had finally been met and you get to get the process going.. to anxiously twiddle your thumbs through your first 2 week wait only to have your heart trampled on to only see one line, 9 times.

You must understand the sense of mourning you feel after that first failure and what you have to tell yourself to regain the hope and excitement you need in order to try again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

You must know what its like to have to sit and hear your doctor say basically 'you should consider putting off getting pregnant while we take care of your fucked up boob and your fucked up cervix'. You must understand having to call your husband and tell him about all this shit... and having to sit there as he tries to think of the right thing to say even though his heart is breaking too.

You must understand.

But you don't, and you can't, you never will. You have already had your husband get snipped because your family is COMPLETE while we aren't even allowed to start ours.

You do not understand.. don't say that you do.

Of course, thats only what played out in my head.

I never responded to her "I understand" text, and I don't think that I can.

Happy Day.